The Rosie and Roula Show

232: Feeling Misunderstood - When People Think They Know You

• Roula Abou Haidar and Rosie Burrows

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0:00 | 20:13

We all have moments where we realise people don’t see us the way we actually are. In this episode, Rosie and Roula talk about feeling misunderstood, from confidence that’s mistaken for having it all together, to assumptions based on appearance, personality, or past versions of who we used to be. They unpack how even the people closest to us can get it wrong, why being misunderstood can feel so unsettling, and how our inner world rarely matches what others see on the outside. The conversation moves through identity, vulnerability, feminism, growth, and the quiet frustration of being known only on the surface.

Topics covered

  • What people misunderstand about us
  • Confidence versus self doubt
  • Being misjudged based on appearance or personality
  • How close relationships can still misunderstand us
  • Feminism and why it’s so often misinterpreted
  • Outgrowing old versions of yourself

What do you wish people understood about you that they’ve always gotten wrong?


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226: Thoughtful or Annoying? When Good Intentions Actually Make Things Worse

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Roula (00:00)
Before we get into our next episode, I have a critique to make. No one gives a shit about what I'm gonna say, I know. But I need to get it out of my mind. Okay. I see movies, very fancy people having drinks. From the 30s movies, 40s. Rich people, poor people.

Rosie (00:03)
Mmm.

God.

okay, good. Okay.

Mm.

Roula (00:24)
glamorous people, supermodels, I see posters of people, they're all carrying their drinks like this, their champagne and their wine. And I'm like, they made an effort to shoot a movie. They made an effort to make this wonderful picture.

Rosie (00:40)
Hang on, hang on. Sorry,

I'm interrupting, but describe to the people who aren't watching on YouTube what you're talking about when you say they hold it like this. Yes.

Roula (00:46)
yes, so when

people are having a drink, they're holding their glass of wine, their glass of champagne, mostly these kind of drinks, delicate drink, their cocktails, and then they put their entire hand on the glass and they think, they're so fancy just holding it with their entire hand.

Rosie (00:55)
Yes, yes.

And it sort of blocks you being able to see the glass of it, doesn't it? Yeah. Okay.

Roula (01:07)
yes and it

kills me because when when they're trying to make this photo shoot or movie etc isn't someone who would tell them would you for goodness sake not hold the glass like this you have to hold it in its stump is it stump what do you stem and it that's stump this is how you hold your glass

Rosie (01:27)
them.

Roula (01:33)
your glass of champagne, of wine or whatever. And I'm not being freaking fancy. You change the temperature with your hand. Your body temperature is warming the fucking glass and your stent and stains and fat from the food and snacks. Please, when you're having a drink, don't hold it like this with your hand like, I'm so many. No, fuck that. Hold it like this.

Rosie (01:41)
That is very fancy though.

Roula (02:01)
Please go on YouTube to see how I know it. And that ticks me off very much.

Rosie (02:01)
So pretentious. So pretentious.

Yes, you're very passionate about this. I'm gonna have to be very self-conscious when we're in person and we're having a drink in fancy glasses. Yeah.

Roula (02:10)
Yes. You know why?

Can I explain why I'm taking so much time from our episode? Because I feel like how did you put an effort in doing, in shooting the scene and wearing this beautiful dress and putting all this effort in the production and taking this shoot for this incredible poster to hang in a restaurant or on a billboard. And you didn't pay attention to how the model or the actor is holding the glass. How?

Rosie (02:17)
place you are.

Right,

yeah, yeah.

Roula (02:46)
⁓ gosh.

Rosie (02:46)
I mean, it would make it

more aesthetic to be able to see the fancy glass, wouldn't

Roula (02:50)
They say

something also about me, like things that ticks me off are totally not important.

Rosie (02:52)
It does.

It's important to you

though, so it is. And you know what I think Tilly agrees, because as soon as you started talking about it, she did the smelliest fart. So that's what she thinks about people covering their fancy glasses.

Anyway, into today's episode, shall we?

Roula (03:10)
Alright.

Let's show.

Rosie (03:27)
I want both of us, we both have to think about this, to share with each other what do you think people misunderstand about you?

Do you need me to give an example so you know what I'm talking about?

Roula (03:44)
I have tons of things already on my mind.

Rosie (03:46)
let's go. Let's hear it. What did they get wrong about you?

Roula (03:49)
Something happened recently. I'm going to give you a real life example. So I'm doing a shooting sport.

Rosie (03:51)
Mm.

Okay.

Yes, yeah.

Roula (04:03)
And now I'm taking my lessons to learn the safety, how to use the sports shooting weapons, et cetera. And the club is 90 % men.

Rosie (04:19)
Yeah.

Roula (04:20)
but my instructor is a woman. chose a woman to be my instructor for fun just because they're all men. I'm gonna give her a job.

Rosie (04:24)
Mm-hmm.

Roula (04:31)
And what happens is that because I'm in this club and they're all men and they're older men and they're all ages. And it's, it's for me, I need time to feel comfortable there because it's not my environment. I feel like I'm humble. I'm interested in what they have to tell, et cetera. And the thing is each person I talked to there want to explain to me the entire safety procedure all over again.

Rosie (04:44)
Hmm.

Roula (05:01)
And I think what they misunderstood about me is that I know the procedure better than you now, and I don't need you to say it, but I don't shut you up because I'm polite. But they think I'm listening because they're telling me something important or I don't know. And this is.

Rosie (05:16)
You don't know. my God. So they think you're

you don't know enough about shooting when really you actually know quite a lot. Yeah. ⁓

Roula (05:23)
Yes, yes. So because I let them

tell me that they're misunderstanding me for someone who's interested in their story while I'm not. I don't.

Rosie (05:31)
You don't give a fuck.

Roula (05:37)
Will this, does this fall in your question, purpose?

Rosie (05:40)
It does a

little bit differently, but yes, it does. What about how people perceive you outside of a specific situation? Is there something people say about you and you think you really don't understand who I am as a person? So for me, a lot of people tell me I'm really confident and they wish they were that confident.

I don't feel confident. I'm riddled with self doubt and it really makes me go, what is it about me that makes people think I'm confident when how I feel on the inside is not like that at all. So that's an example of what people get wrong about me. Or is it me who's got it wrong? Okay. Yeah.

Roula (06:22)
I think I also have something similar

that people think I dare, let's say, to go in a roller coaster or I dare to go skiing because they see my personality as outgoing and I... And they must understand this because I'm scared like shit, like chicken shit to do things that will harm my body like...

Rosie (06:36)
Right. Yes. Yeah.

You

Roula (06:52)
skiing and falling or going on a roller coaster and just having an accident. So I think people misunderstand my personality with my courage.

Rosie (06:54)
Yeah

Yeah, because you come across as someone who really grabs life by the horns and you're you come across that you're not afraid to voice these brave opinions. And yeah, that's an interesting one. Isn't it fascinating how people perceive us? ⁓ sorry. Why is my phone dinging? Go away. Sorry. Interrupting the podcast. I hit it on do not disturb.

Roula (07:10)
Yes.

Rosie (07:33)
Have you got any other examples?

Roula (07:35)
Yes, people misunderstand my mood because I have red lipstick all the time.

Rosie (07:41)
⁓ say more.

Roula (07:43)
People think that I'm always happy and living the best time ever every day because I show up in a certain way that is consistent. I don't go one day without lipstick, one day without brushing my hair, one day wearing something less. No, I have a certain look that I live by inside the house and outside the house.

Rosie (07:49)
⁓ that's a good one.

Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

Roula (08:08)
and has nothing to do with how I'm feeling. And I'm saying this because I had a conversation with someone the other day and he mentioned that to me when I was telling something vulnerable, the difficulty I'm going through on that day, we were sharing how our day is. And he, he's, he told me, he sees me in front of the school every day. So he's a father from school. He thought that I have everything under control because of the way I present myself.

Rosie (08:21)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Mm.

Roula (08:38)
And that was a big misunderstanding.

Rosie (08:40)
Yeah, yeah, that's a good one. Sometimes I have people say, ⁓ you look great. You look so happy. And I find it so weird that when people say that the most is often when I'm having the hardest time.

Not necessarily with the people I'm close with because I'm, I don't, don't mask as much, but you know, outwardly to other people who know they're like acquaintances. you look great. You're doing so well. It's great to see you so happy and inside I'm just falling apart. Like life's so difficult, really having a tough time. Makes you go, wow. What are we getting wrong about other people? When we say, I wish I was like them. Do you?

Roula (09:21)
Yes. Uh-huh. ⁓

Mmm!

One of the things it could be that many of us feel misunderstood about is when our closest people think they know us very well.

Rosie (09:39)
⁓

Roula (09:42)
Yes, they know us, but I don't think anyone can know me very well because they can't read my mind.

Rosie (09:42)
That annoys me actually, yeah.

There's some things no one is

ever going to understand or know about you because no one else can be you. Yeah.

Roula (09:58)
Yes, and this

why this is critical because people would close to you and I'm not talking about stranger I'm talking about people close to you would talk to you in a certain way will advise you in a certain things they will decide for you or even by your surprise gift etc thinking they know you and this is a big misunderstanding today I'm not the same person I was yesterday

Rosie (10:06)
Mm-mm.

Right.

Roula (10:25)
And I don't mean this that I'm not a consistent person with who I am. No, I woke up today, rested. I had a good night's sleep. I'm excited to record the podcast. So today I'm willing. I feel that I'm willing to do things I didn't dare to do yesterday, but I didn't want to do yesterday. So you cannot know me today like you knew me yesterday. I'm different.

Rosie (10:49)
Hmm true,

that's a good point. Yeah people, people who are close to us perhaps can spot the, what is it, it's like spotting a trend, the sort of things we tend to do or the way we tend to think, but that generalizations aren't they? So often it's true but also it's not always true, that's not always how we think and operate.

Roula (11:09)
Yes.

They're onto something there, but it's not fully correct.

Rosie (11:20)
Yeah.

Right. Yeah.

Roula (11:25)
you know, living far away from my family for 25 years, I feel misunderstood all the time. Because they knew me until I was 24.

Rosie (11:33)
No.

Gosh, when you put it like that, yeah.

Roula (11:44)
And they don't know me for the 25 years after.

Rosie (11:49)
Yeah, you've experienced so many other things. Oh, wow. Yeah, but you've grown as a person and you've changed. Like you're still you, but you're not 24 year old you.

Roula (11:50)
but they treat me like they knew me.

I mean, maybe I didn't grow in some things. Maybe I'm still the same and that's okay. That's okay. It's just, yeah, the feeling that just the thought of someone thinking they understand me gives me the creep.

Rosie (12:08)
Maybe.

That can be annoying.

Yeah. Fuck off. You don't know. You don't know me. Yeah. You don't know me. Don't tell me what Any other final thoughts? ⁓ okay. Yes. Yes.

Roula (12:25)
But this is not on my good days of course, on my bad days this will come up.

I do have a question for you. Yeah.

Is there something you wish people understood about you?

Rosie (12:43)
⁓ that is such a good question. Wow something I wish people understood about me. ⁓

It's almost like I wish they understood it, but also I don't know if I want to share it with everybody. It's like, because people think I've got it all so together and I'm so resilient. You lost both your parents and blah, blah, you know, all these things, whatever. But my God, I have a tough time. Things are hard. Sometimes I wish like they paint me as if this sounds very odd. I'm just going to keep talking. I'm second guessing myself, but some people talk as if I'm this.

amazing, strong, invincible person and they could never do what I do.

And it's like, well, I was in a position where I had no other choice. I had to get on with it. I'm sure you would do the same. Like, and I had a hard time just because you see me on the other side and here I am. I'm in the van doing what I want to do. It doesn't mean I'm happy every day. It doesn't mean it was easy. So maybe, maybe I wish people understood that, but also I'm not sure I wish they understood because then that's me being more open to just.

Does that make sense?

Roula (14:01)
Can you say that it's not really important?

that others would understand something about you. Does it matter?

Rosie (14:06)
What bit?

Bye!

I would say for some people in my life, yes. Like for the people I'm closer with.

They probably do already know that. I'm not good at sharing that, but yeah, I don't know. I don't even answer. don't know. What do you think? I'm putting the question back on you because I don't know.

Roula (14:38)
Yeah, asking you this question kind of helped me reflect a little bit. Do I wish they understand something about me? Yes, there is one thing about me that I wish others would understand and accept it or just just understand it is that I have the strong feminist in me that is fighting every day.

Rosie (14:52)
Mmm.

Roula (15:06)
I even feel like I'm going to cry when I mention this. But what they don't understand is that the feminist in me is not fighting other genders. The feminist in me is fighting equality to live together with the other genders. And this is what they don't understand. And I wish they dive a little bit deeper with me on it. And why I say this is because

Rosie (15:16)
Hmm.

Mmm.

Roula (15:36)
And when I'm in my darkest places is where my feminism is in the darkest places inside of me. This is a big topic for me. Big life topic. ⁓

Rosie (15:45)
Hmm.

Yeah.

Roula (15:54)
And this is when I say I'm a hardcore feminist, I hate it when people think that I'm a hater for other genders.

Because regretfully, this is how feminism has been presented by so many wrong feminists.

Rosie (16:06)
Mm hmm. Mm

hmm.

but feminism

Where I am going to admit this. I don't like admitting it. When I was in my early twenties. No, how old was I? I'd No, sorry. 19 or 20. I just thought, ⁓ feminism, like, ⁓ like, come on. Like it, I'd hear the word and go off for fuck's sake. It's not even relevant these days. Just hating on men. That was my interpretation, but I never bothered to actually dive into it and understand what feminine, what.

feminism was or what it is and also what it is to different people. And yeah, I wish more people were open-minded to explore the topic because I think it is so important. And like you said, you are a fierce feminist it's not about just talking about women and hating on other genders and it's not fair and this and that.

You do talk about equality and you, bring men and other genders into the conversation, which is I think so important. It's not keeping things insular. So all that to say my understanding and interpretation on feminism has definitely, definitely changed. 19 year old me, if you said you were a feminist, I would have been like, I would inside, I would have gone, ⁓

Roula (17:34)
I'm scared to say I'm a feminist because I will be misunderstood. But I also know that since I was 13 years old, 12, 13, I knew I'm a feminist who wants equality and living together. I want equality in a sense that I don't want the same salary in terms of equality, but there's also equality. What I mean in equality is that we're human beings with the same rights, same obligations. That's it.

Rosie (17:36)
Fuck. Fuck.

Yes, yes.

It's quite basic on that level, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah.

Roula (18:07)
It's very basic

and it's yet so complicated. But I don't want to take this episode now into something that is not.

Rosie (18:12)
⁓ yeah. We can have a topic on feminism because it's a big one, isn't it? And it's something you're very passionate

about. I think it's an important, they're important conversations to have at least. Yeah.

Roula (18:22)
can have a whole week about feminism.

Listeners, I hope that our feminist tick feminism conversation that did not scare you off because we want you on board to make life for everyone better and I'm curious what people are misunderstanding about you ⁓ Share it in the comments go to our website rosy and rula.com and share with us if you want anonymously ⁓ What what do you wish people understand about you?

Rosie (18:41)
Yeah.

Mm. Yes.

Yeah.

Roula (19:00)
That's it for me now. Rosie?

Rosie (19:03)
I have nothing else to say. It's been fun. These episodes have been fun and everybody, we will talk to you in the next episode. I can't wait.

Roula (19:12)
Sending you my love. Doei! Bye!

Rosie (19:14)
Mwah!