The Rosie and Roula Show

226: Thoughtful or Annoying? When Good Intentions Actually Make Things Worse

• Roula Abou Haidar and Rosie Burrows

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Ever had someone do something “nice” for you… and it actually made your life harder?

In this episode, Roula brings a surprisingly relatable dilemma to the table: what happens when good intentions backfire. From neighbours returning bins at the wrong time, to well-meaning surprises that create guilt, obligation, or extra stress, Rosie and Roula unpack the uncomfortable side of kindness.

They talk about why being helped can sometimes feel like being burdened, the pressure to “return the favour,” and why asking first might be more thoughtful than surprising someone. It’s a conversation about boundaries, etiquette, people-pleasing, and the awkward space between gratitude and resentment.

Not all good deeds land the way they’re intended — and that doesn’t make you ungrateful.

Have you ever been “helped” in a way that made things worse?

Topics Covered:

  • When good intentions backfire
  •  Help versus hindrance
  •  The pressure to return favours
  •  Why surprises don’t work for everyone
  •  Feeling guilty for not wanting help
  •  Acts of service and unspoken expectations
  •  Boundaries around kindness

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Rosie (00:01)
Roula

Roula (00:00)
Rosie

Can I ask a question?

Rosie (00:06)
I suppose so.

Roula (00:08)
Well, as I said, this episode is going to be one after the other. And these are all things that happened in my life in the last week from the last time we recorded. Yeah, my weekend. OK, this. Does it happen to you that sometimes someone does a good deed with a good intention, but this good deed is screwing you over?

Rosie (00:15)
It's rulers weaker reflection. Yes. Yeah.

Whoa, say more.

Roula (00:36)
OK,

so I'll give you an example. Hilarious example, but it brought this thought. on Tuesday, had to put our we call it clicko. You know, this big plastic thing, you put your paper in it or plastic and they come and take out the trash, they empty it for you. Yeah. The recycling bin.

Rosie (00:49)
Yes.

Okay, yeah, so like the recycling bin or something. Yeah.

Roula (01:10)
I put mine outside and I have a company that comes once a month and they clean them.

Rosie (01:16)
Okay, yeah.

Roula (01:17)
And they wanted to come on Tuesday. So there is a neighbor. When we first came to live here, she always bring the recycling containers to the neighbors back to their places after they have been emptied. It's very kind of her and we will come back to it another time. So I sent her a message and I told her, please, today I thank you for doing this.

Rosie (01:32)
Okay. I see where this is going. Yes. Okay.

Roula (01:43)
And today, don't do it because the cleaners are coming and it has to remain at the spot where it is now." She said, yes. After a few hours, I find it in front of my door. I was like, okay, that's not her. Someone else did it. And I had in my mind a neighbor. She never does this, never. And I thought maybe she did it this time. I don't know. I had this intuition.

Rosie (02:01)
Yeah

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Roula (02:12)
I asked

her, did you bring my container back to the front door? Why I'm asking, I'm curious because I need to know the time when she brought it to understand have I missed the cleaner or not. She said, yes, I brought it. Very excited. And then I replied with, it could have been very good any day, but not today. And I forwarded to her the message that I did. And I felt

Rosie (02:23)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Roula (02:39)
Totally screwed over because my container is dirty, I've been waiting so long to come and clean it and I messed the cleaning up once but because it was misplaced.

And both come in helping from good intentions, wanting to do a good deed. But they screwed me over because now I have to clean it. I used to clean it. I don't mind cleaning it. But that's not the purpose.

Rosie (02:49)
Ugh.

⁓ how does your recycling bin

get dirty? any like how does it get dirty? Isn't it just cardboard and

Roula (03:06)
Yeah.

No, no, no. This one is for plastic. So if you throw a package of milk and whatever plastic used for food, for vegetables, yeah, it makes it dirty and it's smelly. And this brought to my mind the thing is it is not the first time that happens. I remember one time.

Rosie (03:15)
might have food on it. Okay, okay, Just plastic. Okay, okay, okay. Gotcha.

Roula (03:32)
I was in Lebanon for three days, really short trip to Lebanon. And I mentioned that the movie of the life autobiography of Freddie Mercury in the cinema and that my sister bought tickets. So we go there and she bought like the luxurious tickets where you get served drink and food while you're in the cinema. And yes, I felt completely screwed over first because I didn't I don't want to pay for someone to bring me food and drinks in the cinema.

Rosie (03:51)
Yeah.

Roula (04:02)
This is one. Second, I'm only there for three days. I wasn't planning to go to the cinema. I want to spend my time doing something else. And she thought she's and this bring us back maybe to I don't like to be surprised. But she thought she's doing something good. And it wasn't.

Rosie (04:17)
Yeah, you don't like surprises.

So what's the answer here? How do we address this?

Roula (04:30)
Yes, that's a good one, Rosy.

Rosie (04:31)
Is it you with the

problem or is it other people with the problem?

Roula (04:36)
I think it's mutual. It's two-way street. We want to do good, but what we think in our eyes is good. It might not be beneficial to the other person. I'm not speaking English properly.

Rosie (04:38)
Mmm.

Beneficial, beneficial, yeah.

So should we not

do surprises then? Is that the answer? Like it was, was...

Roula (05:04)
Well, if you ask

me, I say no. Fuck off with these surprises.

And the better question should not we do good?

Rosie (05:19)
Well, should we do good or not?

Roula (05:21)
Am I the only one gonna talk on this episode?

Rosie (05:24)
Yes,

think surprises are beautiful. I do get it though. Sometimes you're like, ⁓ they missed the mark a bit there. ⁓ But you like, I don't know, you being pissed off about this luxurious thing your sister paid for. I feel like that's really thoughtful. What did you say to her? Did you tell her, actually, I wanted to do other things. I'm only here a couple of days. Like, what did you say? Or did you pretend, my God, thank you so

Roula (05:27)
You're like...

missed the mark.

you

No, I told her it's not something I want to pay for, but now you're making me pay for it. And you're making me feel guilty because you took the initiative and you planned it, etc. ⁓ OK, ⁓ let me let me go back to my thoughts before before the listener think, my God, you're such a prick. ⁓

Rosie (05:59)
So she was paying for it.

Okay, alright.

Control freak, don't know.

Roula (06:20)
I think every... I don't know. I don't know why is this in me. It's... If someone wants to do good with me and for me, I like to be asked if this will be helpful or not. Let me go back to my first example with the containers. I feel that I owe the neighbor something because she does this every day. And we're all human beings.

Rosie (06:35)
Yeah.

Mm.

Roula (06:49)
I don't like to hear the bullshit. She's doing it from the goodness of the heart. She's not expecting anything in return. No, someday, some way it will come back. Look what I'm doing and no one does anything for me. I feel this comes very often. Okay, so this I don't want someone to come and tell me I do goods for you and you do nothing. But also I was raised that if someone does good for you, you return the good.

Rosie (07:04)
Okay, okay.

Roula (07:17)
I don't have time to return the good for her because by the time I want to bring my clicko and her clicko, it's going to be in the afternoon and she will never wait till the afternoon. So to do good, do good in return, I have to keep my eye the day empty the recycling bin. Yes, I'm going to run. Make sure I bring her her recycling bin on time. Otherwise, I will miss it again to do good. Do you get my point?

Rosie (07:45)
do, but what if could you not do something else that's good? Not the same thing. I feel like we've discussed this before in an episode. I'm going to link it about friendships. This isn't necessarily only for friendships, but and and how there's give and take and there's this feeling of obligation. So you feel you need to give good back. You can't do the same thing with putting the the bin back for her because she'd probably bring it in before you.

Roula (07:51)
I can!

Rosie (08:12)
So do you feel like you have to do something else in return?

Roula (08:16)
Yes, I have the strong feeling indeed that I have to it could be that I think I want to bake a cake for her, but maybe they cannot eat sugar. I want to bring her flowers, but I don't know what flowers she like.

Rosie (08:28)
She could be like you when

she wants you to ask first.

Roula (08:32)
Exactly! Exactly!

But it also could be that I don't want her to bring the bin for me.

Rosie (08:41)
True? Yes?

Roula (08:44)
And if I say that, I will sound like an ungrateful bitch or a prick. so this is my dilemma, Rosie.

Rosie (08:55)
Well, you don't like surprises. I will never surprise you in my life. If I do, I think you will probably not talk to me for at least five minutes. That's an okay surprise. Maybe though, you could be like, Rosie, I've got shit on this week. I meant to be cleaning and looking after the kids and spending time with Rianto. Why did you come here? I want notice. The house is messy. It's bad timing.

Roula (09:06)
Only if you're visiting the Netherlands by and surprising me I will take this. Yeah.

My house is never messy. I will never say that.

Rosie (09:24)
That could have.

Fuck.

You're funny.

Roula (09:30)
for

you because I can't leave my house messy. That would be what I'm gonna say.

Rosie (09:32)
I need

to be cleaning today.

Roula (09:38)
the bottom line if the listeners are lost and like what is the ruler talking about? The bottom line is that grateful for the good that someone would do for me. But when it's screw me over because it's not part of my plan. It feels that really asked me next time.

Rosie (09:41)
Yeah, what's the point here? ⁓

That's what Rula likes. Yeah. some things I'd probably like to be asked first, other things, no. Sometimes it's so nice to have a surprise. Like, my gosh, that was so kind. Thank you for thinking of me.

Roula (09:57)
That's it.

this is another thing. Thinking of you as something different than surprise.

Rosie (10:16)
What? Yeah, but if they're thinking of you by giving you something, that's still a surprise, right?

Roula (10:23)
Yes, that is cool. That's very, very cool.

Rosie (10:27)
That's cool. But your sister was thinking of you when she bought those tickets. That wasn't cool,

Roula (10:28)
That's cool. Yeah.

She screwed me over because

I had to pay for it.

Rosie (10:36)
Yeah, what the he- So she bought them but expected you to pay your half.

Roula (10:40)
Yes,

to pay my part.

Rosie (10:43)
Yeah, see that? Yeah. Okay. All right. I'd probably be pissed too. If you're to surprise me, at least pay for it.

Roula (10:53)
Yeah, well, it's why I think thinking of me is different than surprising me is that where there is no expectation, no occasion and nothing. And you thought of me. Yes, you got me something or you sent me a word, a card, whatever you you came with with a plate of ⁓ apple pie. Yes, this is this is a genuine moment of thinking of someone and surprising them.

Rosie (11:22)
You are

a complicated person, Rula. There are so many nuances here in the etiquette of Rula's world of thinking of you and surprises. This is interesting. Because now I'm like, I don't know. Because maybe the neighbor is thinking of you when she brings your bin in. She's thinking of you. She doesn't expect anything. Yeah, she doesn't expect anything from you.

Roula (11:29)
Hmm?

Of course she is! She's so kind!

That's true and it's on me that I feel I have to pay her back.

Rosie (11:48)
Yeah.

Yeah. I don't think we have a resolution for this, we? But it is you, you just slipped in earlier that sometimes people do these things and then you might have an argument or a disagreement and they'll pull it up as ammunition and go, well, I always do this for you and you do nothing. That's not cool. If you're going to do an act of service or surprise somebody, you got to be careful if you're expecting something in return.

Roula (12:17)
That was my next episode topic

Rosie (12:19)
okay, we'll end here and come to it in the next one.

Roula (12:21)
Come back

because we will keep this one short, otherwise it's going to be very long. So let's go grab a coffee. Maybe you want to buy us also a coffee. And please don't wait very long because it gives us lot of motivation. And we'll see you on the next episode with this next topic. Bye.

Rosie (12:29)
Yes.

Hahaha!

All right.