The Rosie and Roula Show

218: Stop Beating Yourself Up Over The Things You've Done Wrong

• Roula Abou Haidar and Rosie Burrows

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0:00 | 10:33

Making a mistake can spiral quickly. One wrong decision, one awkward moment, one thing said the wrong way — and suddenly it’s all you can think about. You replay it, analyse it, avoid people, lose sleep, and punish yourself long after it’s over.

In this episode, Roula opens up about how deeply she’s struggled with beating herself up after mistakes, and a recent moment where she tried something new: firm, no-nonsense self-talk instead of days of rumination. Rosie shares her own experience of holding onto mistakes for years, and they talk honestly about why we do this to ourselves — even when it never actually helps.

This is a raw conversation about self-compassion, accountability, and learning how to let things go without pretending they didn’t matter.

What’s a mistake you’re still beating yourself up about, even though it’s already done?


TOPICS COVERED
 • Why we ruminate after making mistakes
 • The emotional toll of constant self-blame
 • The difference between accountability and punishment
 • How harsh self-talk can sometimes stop spiralling thoughts
 • Letting go after arguments or uncomfortable moments
 • Why replaying mistakes doesn’t make us better people
 • Learning to move on without dismissing what happened

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Roula (00:00)
I noticed lately that I'm trying to teach myself

to not beat myself up when I make a mistake or when I don't have the right answer or when I do something wrong.

I feel that all my life I stayed awake at night for mistakes and words and things that I've done wrong. And suddenly, in the past month or so, I'm starting to teach myself not to do this. It's so hard. And the question today, Rosie, is how many of us we beat ourselves up when we make a mistake?

We avoid the people. We sometimes don't leave the house. We just cry. Whatever, whatever.

Rosie (00:51)
⁓

Yeah. Yeah.

Why do we do that?

Roula (01:04)
Yeah.

Rosie (01:05)
Genuinely, why do you think we do it? Because it hasn't ever helped you when you beat yourself up. I don't think it's actually ever helped me.

Roula (01:15)
it never helped me either. It's made me so depressed for a few days.

Rosie (01:17)
makes it worse almost. Yeah.

Roula (01:31)
Why we do this? Because we want to not make mistakes. And I don't want to say we want to be perfect.

Rosie (01:39)
True. ⁓

just want to be better

people, don't we? And we want to show up as the kind of person we want to be. It makes a lot of sense. So how about we want to make this valuable to our listeners? ⁓ yes, an example of how to stop beating yourself up.

Roula (01:51)
I do have an example. Yeah.

No example of what happened. I thought I'm not going to. OK, let me give the example and see what happens. OK, you know, it's snowing here very much and the roads are very slippery. But also the snow is so high that I I kind of can't see anymore. Where should I park the car? It's the whole I was in a new street and I couldn't see

Rosie (01:58)
⁓ damn it. I was going to say we need to teach people how to stop picking themselves up. But OK, let's let's hear the story first. OK. OK.

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Roula (02:26)
properly where should I put my car? I was going to pick up a person and I decided to drive backward and just wait in the middle of the street. It's a white street. Keep my eye on the rear mirror if someone coming behind me so I can let them go. But I felt safe standing there. This is the feeling. I felt safe keeping my car there until this person came into the car.

Rosie (02:47)
Okay.

Roula (02:53)
But what happened, I was sending a message to the person saying I arrived. And at that moment, I didn't pay attention in the mirror. So there was a car behind me and this car wanted to pass me. So it's passed me, but I could see on the face of the driver, they weren't amused and I fully understand. But they passed and I was OK, now I am going to pay attention. And there was this old man walking and he was staring at me angrily.

Rosie (02:58)
Mm-hmm.

no.

Mm-hmm.

Roula (03:22)
And he was walking past me and then coming back and I walk in the back again. Then I opened my window. I was like, OK, I know I did something wrong. And he obviously is angry with me. So I turned down my window and told them, it looks like you have something to say to me. So he walked to me very angry and he started shouting at me.

Rosie (03:23)
How?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Roula (03:48)
how I'm standing wrong, how I'm blocking the road, what an idiot I am. Okay, I knew I was in the wrong. I felt safe standing there, but it wasn't the right place. But I also was upset because I told the guy, you know, I might be standing here wrong, but because you're talking to me like this, I will not move.

And I closed the window. And he started screaming and shouting and walked away. Okay. So I felt wrong very much after this, because first I knew I'm standing in the wrong place. Second, he was right to get upset, regardless of his style, how he talked to me. And third, I was like, in a different time, I would acknowledge how stupid it is of me to stand there and move.

Rosie (04:19)
You're so badass. Wow. Yeah.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Roula (04:46)
But today I felt I'm not taking this crap from this guy. Okay. I went home and usually I would be ruminating on this thought. Why did I park so wrong? How did I make this mistake? Why did I allow this person to have a reason to come and talk to me like this? So I would be really blaming myself for making the wrong action, et cetera, et cetera.

Rosie (04:51)
Mm-hmm.

Roula (05:14)
And this is where I thought, no, Rula. No. Just shut your mouth. Shut your brain. Yes, you were wrong.

You didn't mean it to be so wrong. You didn't do it intentionally. You felt safe. You were wrong. And it's okay. It happened. Just forget it. Try next time not to do this. It worked. I spoke to myself in such a harsh way instead of telling myself, why did you park there? He was right. You should have been nicer to the guy. Instead of telling myself ⁓ how I should have behaved better.

Rosie (05:37)
And did that work?

Yes. Yeah.

Roula (05:55)
I started telling myself, it happened, get the fuck over it and go on with your life. And that was really one of the first time that I talked like this to myself.

Rosie (05:55)
Mm-hmm.

Wow.

I need to try that, because I am the master of ruminating over things and beating myself up, sometimes even years after something has happened.

I struggle with it a lot. So I need to practice this, have some firm self-talk with myself.

Roula (06:26)
Yeah. Do you remember any recent moments where something went wrong, you did something wrong, said the wrong thing, and you reminated on?

Rosie (06:33)
⁓

the one that comes to mind and I know we've spoken about this before, so I won't go through the whole story, but I had a client, was it last year? I don't remember. I think it was early last year and she still owes me $12,500. And I ruminate over that and everything I did wrong in that situation and how I could have prevented that from happening. And even now it just gets me down. And yes, I'm angry at that person, but I keep

beating myself up over it. That's one example. I think this was, was it August last year?

Roula (07:04)
Mmm, yeah.

Rosie (07:10)
Maybe that it happened, I don't even, before that, yes, see, a long time, long time, over a year. No, it wasn't August last year, it was 2023. 2023 this happened.

Roula (07:10)
⁓ Before that. Before that, yeah. Long time. Yes.

Wow.

Rosie (07:27)
Wow indeed.

Roula (07:29)
I do, I do beat myself up on things I've done in the past. I have this too. And I was looking for to read a book about it. I'm searching. Dear listeners, if you have a good read, a good book on this topic, please share it with us. I want to read it because I'm trying to find a book that helped me get over whatever mistakes I did. And I'm not talking about regrets. I'm not talking about regrets. Get over regrets.

Rosie (07:31)
such a shame.

Yes.

Roula (07:59)
I'm talking about getting over a mistake that I did or an argument that I had. Just stop beating myself up about how I should have behaved and what should have I done. It's done. Yeah, to learn that what's done, it's done. Move on.

Rosie (08:09)
Right, it's done.

Yeah. And it's not to say, you know, in some situations it might be appropriate to apologize or have a follow-up conversation, but then that's it. It's over. Done. Yeah.

Roula (08:26)
Yeah, it's over. It's over. And

I'm going tomorrow to pick up the same person. It's going to be snowing very much tomorrow. But I'm prepared. I'm going to try to park in the right place so I don't bother other people.

Rosie (08:39)
Or maybe just put your hazard lights

on. Stuff them if you don't feel safe.

Roula (08:43)
in the Netherlands, they don't mean

anything. They're not allowed to be used unless they're really necessary. Yeah. So, yeah. Dear listener, if you have listened so far in this episode, it means you liked it. You like listening to us. Please share our episode because word of mouth is the most important thing for us. And maybe you like to buy us a cup of coffee.

Rosie (08:51)
you're unsafe in the middle of the road? I don't know. you can keep me posted on

Roula (09:12)
Go to our website, rosyandrula.com and press on the button. I think there's a button there to buy a coffee and also share with us a book, a quote, something, a YouTube post where we can get better at not beating ourself up on mistakes.

Rosie (09:31)
Yeah, and tell us your experience with that.

Roula (09:34)
Thank you for listening. Bye.