The Rosie and Roula Show

Unsolicited Advice & Mansplaining: Rosie’s Mechanics Life Struggle

• Roula Abou Haidar and Rosie Burrows

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From the archives — a classic conversation from The Rosie & Roula Show, reshared while we take a short break 💛

Rosie and Roula talk about unsolicited advice, mansplaining, and how to shut it down without losing your cool — or your confidence.

Handling unwanted opinions and condescension — when strangers weigh in on what you’re doing and how to set boundaries

mansplaining, unsolicited advice, boundaries, social behaviour

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Rosie (00:00)
Roulaaa

Roula (00:03)
Hi, Rosie.

Rosie (00:04)
I don't know what we should talk about. We talk about all sorts of things. And I'm...

Actually, here's one. I need help with this. This is on my mind. Okay.

Roula (00:21)
I'm going to close my window. I have to close my window.

Rosie (00:38)
I need your advice. I need some help. So I was working on the van today.

because I was trying to find a leak. There's a leak that's been happening. The coolant that keeps the car from overheating is leaking somewhere and I haven't been able to find it. been weeks. And I was out there and the neighbor came over. He's a new neighbor, not one I know. He goes, oh, that looks serious. And so he wants to know what I'm doing. He goes, oh, that won't work. And I'm thinking, I didn't ask.

for your opinion on what I'm doing in trying to find the leak. Shut the fuck up. And I didn't say that. I just went, yeah, well, I'm just going to give it a go. ⁓ And he was hanging around a bit and I went and hid in the van. like, I don't want to talk to you. And I was furious. I was so angry, Rula. I was messaging a friend going, I fricking hate some people. But I need your advice. You're good at dealing with this sort of thing.

What should I have done with this condescending person?

Roula (01:51)
You could have asked him, why do you think it won't work? Have you done this before?

Rosie (01:55)
But I don't want to engage in a conversation. That's true though. What if I want to get rid of them?

Roula (02:02)
⁓ okay.

Okay, hold on. So whenever you're working on the van, these neighbors come over. can see they, and mostly they're male, not, not the woman, more male, because this is something that usually men work on the van, on the car, mechanic stuff. So, so men feel like this is their territory. And who the fuck are you pretending you know how to fix a van?

Rosie (02:11)
They can see what I'm doing. Yes, they want to have a sticky beak and it's always men. yes, all of them. Never women, Mm-hmm.

Yes. Yes.

yes.

Roula (02:36)
You have boobs and vagina. You don't fix vans.

Rosie (02:38)
Yeah! Yeah. Yeah, little did they know

I pulled apart half the engine and have replaced parts and fixed this and fixed that. And even if I hadn't, don't be a condescending sexist pig.

Roula (02:51)
But you didn't know why he said, no, this won't work. Did he know what you're doing? Exactly. Like you explained to him how he came to the conclusion.

Rosie (02:59)
Yeah, and he, so,

because I was using a tool that was not designed for that purpose. So I wanted to pressure test the ⁓ radiator. So essentially you, you put a special cap on with a hose and you pump it up with pressure and under pressure, wherever the leak is, it'll start coming out and should make it easier to find. I don't have this tool. It's quite expensive. What I do have is a vacuum pressure.

Well, it's also a pressure tester, but it's very small and you use it for like bleeding the brakes or small little jobs. It doesn't build as much pressure. And I had the idea, what if I try to use that? Because if the hole where the leak is, is big enough, it won't need a lot of pressure to leak. but he wasn't really willing to hear my idea out. I knew it wasn't typical. He says, no, they're for bleeding brakes. And then ruler.

I'm trying not to talk too loud because he's parked next to me. And then I overheard him talking to another bloke over the other side of the park. It's not a very big park. About me. I was just trying to do this with a break bleeder. You know, like bagging me off and I'm thinking, fuck you. What's it to you? None of your business. And guess what? I found the leak.

Roula (04:28)
Take that. OK, so there are two things I'm thinking of to stuff. Yes. OK, he's right. This won't work because he knows it requires a different tool. It's all about the way people say things. You know, it's all about how they express their opinion that you take it or you throw it away, you know.

Rosie (04:29)
Yeah, take that!

Mm.

Yeah.

Mmm.

And

did I ask his advice? No. possibly.

Roula (04:57)
I don't want to say, but he probably is knowledgeable. No,

look, that's the thing. You didn't ask for his advice, but sometimes...

unwanted perspective, open new doors. So I don't want to say that I'm not the kind of person that say I'm not asking for your advice. Yeah. Well, if you want to, if you want to be my friend, you have to hear my opinion. You asked. Okay. Listen, listen. When, people tells you something in the wrong way, yes, you are like, I didn't ask for your opinion. Fuck off.

Rosie (05:15)
don't want to talk to you.

on

Mm.

Roula (05:38)
When they come and say something from a place of care and wanting to help, then you are open to accept their opinion. So if he, for example, he used a different language, if he said, don't know if he asked you, yeah, this require a really big tool. You're trying with this. That's cool. Let's maybe it will work. He could have turned it in a positive way, but people don't know how to do this.

Rosie (05:45)
Mmm.

or said, do you think that will build enough

pressure or something? Yeah. It just felt like I was being spoken down to, like, you don't know what you're doing. And I'm thinking, and I, yeah, and I didn't get defensive. I just sort of tried to, I said, well, I'm just going to give it a go and da da da, and got on with it. But I just.

Roula (06:11)
Yes, when people speak down, it's horrible.

Yeah.

Rosie (06:23)
Inside

I just wanted to defend myself like do you know how much I've achieved on this van? Do you know how much I've done and there are tools that I haven't had that I have come up with creative solutions for and it has worked Do I get everything right? No, but don't be so negative

Roula (06:38)
Yes.

I don't know if it's something. And please listeners, I don't want you to think that we're sexist in here. Again, there is a way, there are things that women do think men can't, and there are things that men do think women can't. This is how we live in the society. I also encounter moments where I'm trying to do something technical and then... ⁓

Rosie (06:51)
You

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Roula (07:09)
someone would look at me in a condescending way, a disrespectful way, because it's not my area of expertise. I haven't done it before and they think they know better. I've also been in this situation and it makes me feel more willing to do it the wrong way. Because I want to prove a point because you're not giving me the chance to fail and learn.

Rosie (07:12)
Mm-hmm

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah.

Right! Right!

Yeah. Yeah.

Roula (07:36)
And if you know exactly how to do it, so come immediately and with kindness, not with says, you don't know what you're doing. Let me fix it for you. Come with kindness. Come and say, you know, I've done this before, but maybe I can help you.

Rosie (07:42)
Kindness, yeah.

Mmm. Mmm. Yeah.

Roula (07:54)
You know, or,

I've seen someone doing it and maybe I can help you. But because I think when they say also, maybe it keeps some control in your hands. They're not coming to say, I'm going to solve it for you. They're meeting you halfway. Yes. It just, just look. Sometimes men find it really hard that women are trying to fix something technical.

Rosie (07:59)
Yeah.

Yeah, give me a choice. Yeah. Yeah.

Roula (08:22)
because they think you didn't read the instructions enough. You are not knowledgeable enough. You can't use your brain in this technical way. And yeah, when they say something like this, especially talking about you to stranger, I would walk to him and tell him, what are you saying? What's the problem here?

Rosie (08:22)
Mm-hmm

You

Ot really got my back up. Yeah!

See, this is the rule I want to hear from. Yes.

Walk up to him. What are you saying? What's the problem? Should have done that.

Roula (08:52)
Yeah, like I hear you talking about me. So what do you know about me? Have you done it before? Come and help.

Bring your tools. Bring them.

Rosie (09:02)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Roula (09:05)
Now I'm getting angry because this I have an episode on today's list. This crazy. I have today's list, an episode eavesdropping. And this is exactly what you heard him saying, but we will talk about this later. And, know, listen, listen, Rosie, I think that you are surrounded by people that every day there's someone new giving you their opinion.

Rosie (09:07)
Yes, sir!

yes.

Oomph!

Yeah, yeah. Yes, okay.

Roula (09:34)
on what you're doing, because what you're doing is unusual. Yeah. And you, you have to really find a one sentence, a one liner to repeat it to these people.

Rosie (09:34)
yeah,

Yeah, I do need a one-liner. I do actually. Yeah.

Roula (09:49)
Yeah.

It's it's so I don't know what this one-liner would be but you have to really kind and clear that If you're coming from a kind place to help me you're welcome I'm open for your feedback, but you don't know what I'm doing. You don't know how far I am in this

Rosie (09:59)
Mm-mm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Roula (10:14)
This is not the one-liner. is just... Gosh, you have to deal with this all the time.

Rosie (10:16)
No, I do need one. You can help me off air come up with one.

Yeah, it's hard because I'm on display. Like you're working under the bonnet of the van. Everyone can see and they're like, what's that lady doing? She's working in under there a lot. Does she know what she's doing? Not really, but I'm giving it a red hot shot and actually I think I've done pretty damn well.

Roula (10:35)
Even if you're

not exactly, even if you don't know what you're doing, you're learning. What's wrong with that?

Rosie (10:42)
Yeah, what's the

problem? Yeah.

And on that note, Rula, I think we'll wrap this one up. Yeah.

Roula (10:52)
Yes.

Next time you hear someone talking about you, go and say, so what's going on here?

Rosie (11:00)
Yeah, what's the problem?

Roula (11:02)
I hear you talking about me. What's what's going on? Now, don't say what's the problem. You make a problem. Just ask what's going on.

Rosie (11:10)
I don't know if I could do that without getting aggressive. I need you here, ruler. Come on. I need my sidekick.

Roula (11:12)
Yeah.

⁓ Keep your breath. Keep your breath in control.

Alright guys, bye! Help, help Rosie deal with these strangers.

Rosie (11:32)
You send me

in a one-liner. Bye.