The Rosie and Roula Show

157: Do Parents Ever Really Get Their Time Back?

• Roula Abou Haidar and Rosie Burrows

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Rosie thought teenagers sleep all day, Roula says otherwise. Cue a debate that spirals into what parenting really takes from you: time, freedom, and sometimes your sanity.

In this episode, we dig into the reality of raising kids at different stages, why parents never really “get more time back,” and how important it is to keep a sense of self outside of being Mum or Dad. From teenagers who never seem to leave the house to the pressures parents pile on themselves, nothing is off limits.

We also chat about shifting roles as kids grow older, unhealthy parenting styles that enable dependence, and why it’s so damn hard to balance freedom with family.

How do you balance being a parent with keeping your own identity?

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Roula (00:00)
Rosie! Hi! I'm still here!

Rosie (00:00)
Rula ye? Rula, Rula? Hi. I gotta be in

my I gotta be in my bonnet because we just stopped recording the last episode that we said was gonna be five minutes and it ended up way longer. And you started going off on a tangent about something that I don't agree with. So let's talk about it.

You said teenagers don't sleep. I think that's bullshit, but I'm going to hear you out. So tell me what you mean.

Roula (00:42)
No

no no you start tell me why do you think it's bullshit

Rosie (00:45)
⁓ because teenagers sleep loads. Yeah, they might be up late at weird hours. I was, and I would sleep and sleep and sleep. would sleep in, I'd get up late. Like I would have the biggest sleep, sometimes 10, 11, 12 hours, just so much sleep. And I'm sure there's actually research that shows that adolescents need more sleep than adults. Developmentally.

Roula (01:12)
Okay,

I so want to debate this, but you're right. This is actually what I meant, that awake at night, they sleep during the day. Okay, let's catch up because maybe the listeners did not listen to the other episode. So here's this question. The question is, when a couple parents have more time for themselves and each other's? When the children are small or when the children are older?

Rosie (01:36)
Right. And I said, I made the proclamation, I don't really have any evidence that maybe you and your husband will have more time together now that Liam is getting older. And you just went, ⁓ Rosie, no.

Roula (01:48)
Yes.

I said that's not Look, when teenagers are sleeping during the day, we parents are working doing our groceries and everything. We like living, looking after the house, doing the things. We don't have time for each other. And even if we had to have time for each other, the kids are at home.

Rosie (02:01)
Hmm.

Roula (02:11)
And in the evening, it's the same. The kids are awake, and then it's time for us to go to sleep because we're freaking exhausted.

Rosie (02:24)
Why is that different to when you have a baby? They're often up all night and they probably sleep even less. Yeah.

Roula (02:30)
Yeah, I mean, when they get older a little bit, they would sleep more. You can

they have a nap in the afternoon, but you don't have time. Even you don't have time when they have a baby. Just what I was talking about the idea that the older they get, because you don't have time when they are babies. And then you think when they're older, you would have more time. No, you won't. And really, the attention that children want from the age of 10, 12, 13 and onward.

Rosie (02:41)
So you never have time.

You don't. This is different.

Roula (03:00)
is crucial to their development than what they have when they're babies. And I think parents, if they want time off, they just need to leave the house.

Rosie (03:03)
Mmm.

Right, right. You kind of have to go out of your way to arrange it.

Roula (03:11)
You know, that's the best solution.

Yeah, get a babysitter or have them at the grandparents. It's so complicated.

Rosie (03:18)
Yeah, because you said

for you and Rianto, had been two years or something since you'd had time, just the two of you. Yeah. Wow.

Roula (03:24)
Yes, yes. We

had time together so we would go during the day out together, do fun stuff. But we didn't have, we don't have the time to be intimately together in our house, you know, just being ourselves because the kids are at home all the time.

Rosie (03:31)
Okay. Right.

Yeah,

doesn't make parenting sound very appealing, to be honest.

Roula (03:51)
Who said parenting is appealing?

Rosie (03:54)
shit. Well, I don't know. A lot of people. Well, I don't know. Why'd you ask that? Now I don't know. Society portrays that parenting is the best thing you can ever do.

Roula (04:08)
think of it this way. The terrifying fear a parent have to be to be not raising a kid that is good for the world, good for the society, good for themselves as for others. Just think of this. Does this make parenting appealing?

Rosie (04:19)
Hmm.

No, really doesn't. It sounds like the hardest job ever. And you know what often comes to my mind is it's not just when they move out of home that parenting finishes it. It never does. You're always a mum. You're always a dad. You're always a parent. It doesn't stop. Okay.

Roula (04:45)
And that's not the issue.

You know, we will always be like this and that's okay. The thing is we have to be more than that for ourselves.

Rosie (04:58)
Yeah. Yeah.

Roula (05:00)
and also put boundaries for our grown-up children. know, lot of kids leave the house because they go for studying, etc., or they have a boyfriend, they move in together. Things break, study finishes, they come back home for so many economical, financial, and societal reasons. But then they come back home and I don't know, maybe there are parents who don't have this desire to...

Rosie (05:05)
Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

Roula (05:29)
have their freedom back after their children are grown ups. I do have this desire. And am I the only one? I'm sure I'm not. But please don't judge me for this because there is life after becoming a parent. We just have to believe in it.

Rosie (05:32)
Hmm. Yeah, I would.

Yeah.

Yeah. You're more than a mum. I remember recording an episode of my podcast. I can't even remember what number it was, but this lady was talking about motherhood and how that's not your entire identity. It's just part of it. Whereas it's people just go, oh, you're a mum now. That's it. You're a mum. Well, yes, I'm a mum, but I'm also blah, blah, blah, blah.

Roula (06:13)
Yes.

These days, fathers also have the same feeling because there is a shift. Fathers are more involved and they want to be part of their kids. ⁓ Evolution is not like this. The evolution is that the women having the kids raising them and fathers are hunting. And in some cultures, they have women in different kind of places because they travel far to get food, whatever. So for fathers, it changed.

Rosie (06:22)
Right.

Roula (06:47)
But this pressure is still on mothers that they have to be everything at home and not pressure from fathers, from ourselves. We think we have to do it all ourselves because we're so good at doing things and no one else can do it. Most of the time, this is the reason. I'm going to be so I hope I hope ladies you won't get offended. But it's not the first time I mentioned this on the podcast. Yeah.

Rosie (06:58)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't think it's offensive at all.

Roula (07:17)
So parenting is really hard and finding time for ourselves as an individual, as a couple, it sounds so good, but it's so hard.

Rosie (07:29)
Is parenting what you thought it would be?

Roula (07:30)
And we all live far from our families, not all, but many of us.

It's not easy to have a babysitter. It costs a load of money and to find someone trustworthy. So it's hard, yeah.

Rosie (07:43)
Yeah. So was parenting what you thought it would be?

Roula (07:47)
I knew it's gonna be like this. I'm not surprised. Yeah. I knew. I saw my parents. I know myself. I knew it's gonna be hard. I just didn't know that I will be this freedom seeker every day of my life. We talked about this in a previous episode.

Rosie (07:49)
You knew smarty pants. Okay. You knew. Yeah.

Hmm.

I love that you're a freedom seeker. What did we talk about? Freedom? What did we talk about?

Roula (08:15)
Well, I mentioned

that in the previous episode.

Rosie (08:17)
You were a freedom seeker.

Yeah.

Roula (08:21)
And I believe, Rosie,

I don't know, how do you think about that? I really want your opinion. I believe that at a certain point, we need to let our children go.

Rosie (08:26)
about. Yeah.

Roula (08:34)
find their experiences, learn from their mistakes. We should not keep parenting when they're started working, they're like finished studies, whatever, started working, have a life. But there is a moment where we need to be like watching over them, but stop parenting them.

Rosie (08:45)
Yeah.

Yeah, I think that it's healthy for the relationship to change. And I think it's necessary. The way you parent a five year old is different to how you parent a 10 year old, a 15 year old, a 21 year old. And I think our stereotypes on what parenting means could be a little bit off because it is still parenting to have an adult relationship with your mom or your dad. You know, you can talk to them.

⁓ about a challenge you're having and you're not talking about it for them to swoop in and save you. It's just almost more of a friendship like, man, I'm having such a hard time with this. And maybe the parent will share something they're having a hard time with, which they probably wouldn't when their kid was a child.

So yeah, maybe it is not, maybe it is. You don't need to parent when they're older, or maybe it's the definition of parenting changes. It shifts the older you get. And it's definitely something I observed as I got older. ⁓ You know, especially my relationship with my mom. When dad died, I was 21 and I was just sort of stepping into adulthood and finding myself.

And then as I got older with mum, she died when I was 28, but in those years between 21 and 28, our relationship changed again. Because even though I liked to think I was super independent at 21, I had actually moved back home for a little bit just for health reasons. and you know, after dad had died, it was just tricky. So I was back home and you know, there were things mum would do for me that

You know, I wouldn't expect her to do when I was older, if that makes sense. So it's, it's kind of cool to reflect on. think, yes, the relationship has to change, but I see parents and their kids where the relationship doesn't change. And I think it's really unhealthy because my ex was like this. She just expected her parents to go, here you go, I'll buy you a new car. They did that for her twice because she didn't have the ability to say for herself and

face the consequences of, well, if you don't save, you're not going to be able to afford that fancy car.

Roula (11:23)
Okay, and this is part of parenting. I love what you said. They enabled her not to be able to save. So this is also a parenting style. When we say, ⁓ our children cannot save, yeah, because we're enabling this. We're saving them all the time.

Rosie (11:30)
Right!

Totally!

Well, you never taught them how. Yes.

Right. You never taught them how. And then when they don't have the savings and they're facing the consequences, you go, oh, it's all right. I'll do it. And in my head, I'm like, what happens when they die? What are you going to do when you're 45, 50, 55, whatever, and all of a sudden, mommy and daddy aren't there to save you? You're to be up shit creek because who's going to sweep in and save you? Nobody.

Roula (11:45)
Yeah.

Yes, this is one of my fears in raising my kids that I would be ⁓ too good to them, that they won't feel the pain or the motivation, the resilience. They have these things, of course, and not. But also, I do also have these things and not. But this was for me a point of...

Rosie (12:17)
you

It's hard.

Roula (12:25)
scary point that I want them to be independent and be able to stand up on their two feet and don't need anyone.

Rosie (12:30)
Yeah.

Yeah. You and I are alike in that way, independence and ⁓ being self-sufficient and seeking freedom. It's important to both of us. But for other parents, they're more concerned of, don't want my children to ever suffer. I don't want them to have the upbringing I have. I want it to be better. Which I also understand. Right, right.

Roula (12:56)
This is our drive.

Rosie (13:02)
I feel like I'm being very opinionated and judgmental. So I just want to acknowledge that.

Roula (13:05)
I love that. I love it. No worries.

Rosie, listen and listeners. We're not advising anyone on how to do their parenting. Just a reminder. Exactly. We're voicing a conversation that we feel it's in us and for those who can relate to it, you don't have to do anything with it. But

Rosie (13:16)
We're just getting on our soap boxes. Yeah.

Mm. Yeah.

Yeah.

Roula (13:32)
If you relate to what we're saying, let us know on therosyandrula.com.

Rosie (13:35)
think it's important to

talk about this stuff. Yeah. Definitely want to hear from our listeners and it can be quite controversial and it can get heated. Like if I was having this discussion with someone with a different parenting style, I think it could quite easily turn into an argument and each person getting defensive. So yeah, we've got to lead with kindness. I think.

Roula (14:00)
Also at the

same time, the problem with this is that parents don't share experiences and don't listen to each other. We don't learn. This is why parenting also becomes so lonely and we keep screwing up in our behavior because we're not looking, accepting.

Rosie (14:05)
Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right. And what you just said made me think of a video you posted on our TikTok page recently about social media. And you were sort of tossing up whether to allow Liam to have TikTok. And there was a mum who commented and she was basically saying, kids shouldn't have phones. No way. And all parents should get rid of phones. And that's it.

And I just went, wow, are you not open to a discussion on that?

Like I kind of understood her point of view. She was worried about safety and bullying, but if your child doesn't have a phone, chances are they're to be bullied at school for that. So there's another side to it. And she was saying all the things they could be exposed to, inappropriate pictures and videos. And in my head, I was going, but isn't it a good teaching opportunity trying to protect our kids from seeing things in a way shelters them.

Roula (14:51)
Yeah.

Rosie (15:19)
⁓ to their detriment. Right? Right? How have they all of a sudden got to know just because they're a few years older? That's kind of where I am. Right.

Roula (15:20)
that they don't know how to behave when they are faced with this stuff.

How are they going to put boundaries, stand

up for themselves? We're not talking about the phone now, but maybe in the next one, I'll give an update on the TikTok decision that we took at home. All right, listeners, bye. Follow us on the next episode. Ciao.

Rosie (15:36)
yes, yes, yes. Okay, bye everybody.