The Rosie and Roula Show

154: Direct doesn’t mean rude and How to Stand Up for Yourself Without Losing Kindness

• Roula Abou Haidar and Rosie Burrows

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Ever been disrespected and walked away wishing you had spoken up? 😤

In this episode, Roula shares a raw, real story of confronting her neighbor after being spoken to with arrogance — and how she finally walked her own talk about setting boundaries.

With Rosie cheering her on, they unpack:

✨ The difference between directness and rudeness

✨ How to stand your ground without losing kindness

✨ Why insecurity (like language barriers) can hold us back from speaking up

✨ Practical ways to prepare for difficult conversations

✨ Why most people confuse “being blunt” with “being disrespectful”

This episode is for anyone who’s ever swallowed their words, replayed the scene in their head a hundred times, and thought: “I should’ve said something.”

Keywords: standing up for yourself, direct vs rude, boundaries podcast, conflict resolution, people pleasing recovery, how to say no, difficult conversations, emotional resilience, assertiveness tips, authentic communication



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Rosie (00:00)
giving me like a pre-talk.

Roula (00:03)
No, I thought I'm recording. All right. We have already a few episodes about putting boundaries, stand up for ourselves, but also often in our conversations, you bring up a topic and I tell you, but Rosie, you have to stand up for yourself. You have to say no. You have to tell them they're not kind, et cetera, et cetera. And then something happened with me and I did not walk my walk.

Rosie (00:05)
Hit record.

Mmm.

⁓

Roula (00:44)
or talk,

so I talked the talk, but I didn't walk the walk.

Rosie (00:47)
Mmm.

Roula (00:49)
And this bothered me and I decided to walk the walk. So here's the thing. And the topic of this is that, Rosie, I want to tell you about someone who disrespected me. I let it happen. And then I went back and I told them, you don't talk to me like this.

Rosie (01:09)
Okay, I can't wait. right. Listening ears on. Yeah. Okay.

Roula (01:10)
But it was a whole process. Yes.

Sorry, I don't think you have too much to say on this because it's a story that I'm going to tell you. OK. So It's been a year that I live in this street, in this new city. All the neighbors around me, they've been they're like older, they're retired and they've been together for more than 20 years. They know everything about each other. They accept and tolerate, etc.

Rosie (01:16)
All right, I'll just be quiet. Yep, let's hear it.

Roula (01:37)
and they're making a barbecue. So I said, I cannot join the barbecue. I'm at home, but I cannot join the barbecue.

Rosie (01:39)
Mm-hmm.

Roula (01:49)
So the person organizing the barbecue, I already had the feeling that she's a control freak, but I thought, let it be. She's who she is. I have nothing to do with it. And she didn't understand my answer. She sent me a message insisting on me to fill in a form. What are we bringing?

Rosie (02:10)
my god.

Roula (02:11)
So I repeated that we're not coming, but I'm saying we're home, but we're not coming. And then she rang the bell. I wasn't at home. And my daughter told me the neighbor came to talk to you about the barbecue. I told her, okay, I'll go and talk to her in person. So I went to the neighbor and I told her that I am at home, but it would be rude to see me at home and not joining the barbecue. But I can't come because we have

We have it busy on that day and I cannot come. And then she and her husband wanted wanted to me to find time to come to the barbecue. I told her, listen, I only have an hour that I can stop by. I'll bring a salad and I'll stop by to greet you all. And then she said to me, I don't need anyone coming like an arrogant ass bringing a salad to the barbecue.

Rosie (03:07)
⁓

Roula (03:10)
I didn't know what's happening. And then she stopped talking to me. She turned to her husband. She started telling him she doesn't need to come next year better. I don't want her at the barbecue, not even bring a salad. No, no, no, I don't want this. And she went on and on with her husband, not looking at me. I was sitting at their dinner table. ⁓ In her house. OK, the whole conversation was in Dutch.

Rosie (03:33)
You were in their house.

Roula (03:40)
And sometimes I don't get angry in Dutch because this is my insecurity. If I can't bring you my message in Dutch, in my perfect Dutch, I'm not going to talk to you. So I didn't feel like in this anger moment, I'm capable of finding the right words in Dutch. So I decided to leave. I went home and I was very upset. I said to my husband, I told my husband what happened.

And then I said to him, you know what? On my podcast with Rosie, I tell her to stand up for herself, not to accept behaviors from people who disrespect her and be condescending. And I let this happen because I didn't feel comfortable to argue or to bring my message in my Dutch language. OK, so said to me, what do want to do? I said, I wish I can go back and tell her how I feel.

Rosie (04:31)
Hmm.

Roula (04:38)
about her talking to me like this. So I asked, I told him, I need you to help me. I want to spar with you on what I'm going to tell her because I want it to be as perfect in Dutch as possible.

Rosie (04:46)
Mmm.

Roula (04:53)
And that's what we did on Saturday. That was like two weeks ago. We practiced every now and then. I go back to him and I tell him exactly what I want to say to this lady. And then on Sunday morning, I was not ready, but he was telling me, Roula you can do this. Go there. Stand up for yourself and make an end to it. OK, goodness, I was sweating like feeling my fever.

Rosie (05:14)
Hmm.

Roula (05:22)
I think my insecurity at that moment in my Dutch language was bigger than my confrontation with her.

Rosie (05:28)
Wow.

Roula (05:30)
So I went there, rang the bell, her husband opened and he was very surprised that I'm there. Cause I mean, we never ring each other's door. It's not, we're not friends. I asked him if his wife is there and she came. At that moment I told her I had to sleep on it. But yesterday when I left your house, I left with such an annoying and hurtful feeling that I think you should know that the way you

Rosie (05:39)
Mm.

Roula (05:59)
talk to me. I don't accept the way you talk to me. You've been disrespectful and you choose words. No, no, I told her you choose words that have been disrespectful and you ignored my presence, continued talk with your husband about me. And I don't appreciate that. I don't like it. Talk to me again in this way. She was

Rosie (06:15)
Mmm.

Roula (06:29)
Shocked, telling me, but this is who I am and I'm not gonna change.

Rosie (06:35)
That's what she said.

Roula (06:39)
My answer was you are who you are and I'm not here to change you. I'm here to tell you, you don't talk to me like this. And if you can't be kind and nice, then don't talk to me.

She was like, again, repeating, yeah, but this is how I talk. This is who I am. And I repeated my message to her. I'm not your child. I'm not your partner. I'm not your sister. I'm your neighbor, which means I don't have to put up with the way you talk. And you don't talk to me like this. Well, there was a moment of silence because I was, I was.

and in this moment of silence, I let it cool down. I was waiting to see if she has something to say. She's not. I was ready to go. But before I go, I told her I came here with a good intention to contribute because I want to see you all and say hi to you. I didn't come here to be an asshole.

Rosie (07:28)
Mm-hmm.

Roula (07:47)
And you couldn't see that, but that's on you, not on me. Enjoy the barbecue and maybe I'll join you next year. At that moment, she wanted me to stay and she wanted to tell me why she's stressed because of organizing the barbecue and tell me how things go, et cetera. And I wasn't interested in listening to any of this, but I stayed kind and I wanted her to finish her story.

Rosie (08:04)
my god.

No.

Roula (08:15)
and tell me about so apparently she organizes the whole barbecue she has a vision she couple people to cook together so they socialize it's all with good intention but no one told me at all about their barbecue style and she said that if i can't come she doesn't want me to come for half an hour for me it's a street

Rosie (08:25)
Yeah. ⁓

Roula (08:42)
neighborhood barbecue you should be able to pop in pop out whenever you want this is how I see it but I didn't express this because I at that moment I was like okay she's a control freak she's controlling this whole street I have proof for other stuff her behavior too and I I mean yes I'm living here new but I don't have anything in common with her so I don't have to please her and tell her anything

Rosie (08:45)
Yes. Yeah.

Mm.

Roula (09:11)
And the end I told her, now I know how to speak to you. And I hope you enjoy the barbecue. No hard feelings. But I told you, don't speak to me like this. And I left. Next day I was driving by, I saw them, I waved with a smile on my face like nothing happened. When I went home, Rosie, I was sweating like a barn animal. That's what my...

Rosie (09:38)
Ha!

Roula (09:39)
son, my son would say, like my adrenaline was so high. was so in this emotional state, only feel when you are defending yourself.

Rosie (09:53)
Right, yeah.

Roula (09:55)
⁓ And yeah, after a few hours it went away.

Rosie (09:58)
am so proud of you because

she tried to knock you down multiple times and you stood your ground. No. I'm not here to change who you are. But don't talk to me like

Roula (10:11)
And you know what came up from this conversation, Rosie, is that so many people put up, and she's an example now for me, so many people put up with her rudeness because she comes from a place in the country where people are rude. In the Netherlands, they mistaken directness with rudeness. They think, but I'm direct. No, you are rude. There's a difference.

Rosie (10:18)
Yeah.

fuck. Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Roula (10:42)
And probably this is where I want to bring this episode to the point to say, be indirect, you can be kind and direct. Be indirect and rude, you're an asshole. There's no excuse, no matter where you come from, the country, from the city, wherever you come from. Directness is not rudeness.

Rosie (10:50)
you

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, you can be direct and rude, go for it, but you know, whichever approach we take, there's going to be consequences. You do you, but you're right. Direct and rude are two different things.

Roula (11:23)
And it's overwhelming when the majority accept directness, root directness, because the people come from a part of the country where this is how they are. What the fuck?

Rosie (11:37)
So after all the sweaty barn animal stuff went away, how did you feel?

Roula (11:43)
triumphant. I'm being arrogant here guys but yeah I because I was like it was eating me up that I didn't stand up for myself

Rosie (11:44)
Yes. I love that for you. You should be.

Hmm. Yeah, it's not the kind of person you want to be.

Roula (11:56)
How can I preach something

I don't apply?

Rosie (12:02)
well done you. That's amazing. ⁓ I loved that story.

Roula (12:07)
Poof.

Rosie (12:11)
Yes.

Roula (12:12)
The

barbecue was yesterday and I'm so glad I was at

Rosie (12:19)
⁓ yeah. Thank you for sharing that story. I thoroughly enjoyed it. need to, next time I'm, you know, someone's been rude and I've just become submissive, I should think of this example and go, no, what would Roula say? And what did Roula do? She went back and went, no.

Roula (12:19)
you

Not only

this. Call a friend with whom you can spar on what you're going to say. Because, know, in this situation, it's easy to become defensive. when you let it cool, yeah, when you let it cool and you have someone with the perspective to help you spar on your speech, then you go back stronger because you will be direct and you will be kind and you will put boundaries.

Rosie (12:49)
Mmm.

Yes, like she did.

Roula (13:09)
and you'll turn your back and go home.

Rosie (13:12)
and feel triumphant. Yeah!

⁓ so good. That was good. What a good story. I feel like story isn't even the right word. Sounds too weak. This is like a, an epic. Yeah, it is. Yeah. Yeah, totally. I can imagine the dramatic music in the background.

Roula (13:29)
It's a scene of a movie.

The barbecue drama. The street

barbecue drama.

Rosie (13:42)
Well, I wonder if your neighbor will listen to this episode. You don't think so?

Roula (13:46)
I don't think so.

And it's also in English, so they wouldn't listen. Yeah. ⁓

Rosie (13:52)
Okay. Well, she's missing out.

Roula (13:56)
But other Dutch listeners, because 80 % of my listeners are Dutch sometimes. Well, yes, excuse me, but if you're direct, don't be rude. Be kind. That's it. Done.

Rosie (14:08)
Yeah.

See you in the next one. Bye.

Roula (14:12)
Yes, thank you for listening to me.

Bye!