The Rosie and Roula Show

139: Friendships: When to Hold On & When to Let Go

• Roula Abou Haidar and Rosie Burrows

Share episode

Friendships are beautiful, but they’re also complicated. In this episode, Rosie & Roula dive deep into the realities of maintaining friendships as adults. Why does it often feel one-sided? Why are we afraid to talk about our needs? And when is it healthier to walk away rather than hold on?

From “seasonal friendships” to the fear of confrontation, jealousy, unmet expectations, and whether conflicts in friendships are truly repairable, this episode voices what many of us feel but rarely say out loud.

✨ If you’ve ever felt left out, hurt, or unsure about where you stand with a friend—you’re not alone.

What you’ll hear in this episode:

  • The silent struggles of adult friendships
  • One-sided effort: what happens when you’re always the initiator
  • Fear of confrontation & losing friends
  • Seasonal vs. lifelong friendships
  • Is it okay to walk away without an explanation?
  • Can friendships survive conflict?

Keywords (SEO): adult friendships, friendship struggles, one-sided friendship, how to maintain friendships, friendship jealousy, when to end a friendship, seasonal friendships, toxic friendships, friendship conflict, Rosie and Roula podcast

--------------------

--------------------

--------------------

Roula (00:00)
Hello, hello, here we are. With zero inspiration for myself. I don't know how it is with you.

Rosie (00:03)
Here we are.

dear, yeah

I'm a little bit like, what are we talking about? But, we will figure it out. We'll figure it out.

Roula (00:11)
Yes, something, ⁓ yeah.

Rosie, I have a difficult topic for today.

Rosie (00:28)
Mm.

Is it ever not difficult, Rula?

Roula (00:34)
Sometimes they're not. And my intention in this episode is that we voice the feelings of the listeners and also of the people around us, including us. And by saying voice it, I mean we might not know what to do with this episode, but it's a topic that we have to talk about.

Rosie (00:47)
Mm-hmm.

because there's something people are going through, right? We wanna be relevant. Okay.

Roula (00:59)
Yes. Yes.

And that is friendship, our friendships. But specifically, how do we maintain these friendships without feeling hurt or left out?

Rosie (01:18)
Is there a particular friendship that has made you bring up this question? I'm curious.

Roula (01:25)
Not anymore, maybe in the past. What I notice is that most of us struggle with, I'm doing a lot, but my friend is not doing this for me. So I'm the one who calls. I'm the one who asks. I'm the one who make plans. And my friend doesn't take initiative of my friends don't take initiative, but they do take initiative with other people. And I see this happening.

Rosie (01:28)
Mmm.

Mmm.

Roula (01:54)
⁓ Not with me or maybe with me, but I got it over it because I understood where I stand. But I hear women complaining about that. They feel left out or they don't feel that their friends are meeting them, showing up for them in the same way. What do you think?

Rosie (01:56)
Hmm.

It's definitely something I've felt before, but I'm going to call myself out and other people out.

How often do we actually have a conversation with this friend about how we're feeling?

Roula (02:31)
Almost never.

Rosie (02:32)
Right! So what the f- How is anything gonna change? What the fuck?

Roula (02:39)
You're right. It's a vulnerable place because you are saying, want something from you. I want you to treat me in a particular way. But also your ego is telling you, you don't need them to treat you this way because you are okay. You are all right. You don't need them. And the other person will get defensive, will feel attacked.

Rosie (02:46)
Hmm.

yeah.

Yeah.

Roula (03:05)
and treat it as a lesser of a friend while they think also they're doing a lot for us.

Rosie (03:10)
Ooh, yeah. You were talking about ego, but you know what I think it is for me. It's not ego that stops me from saying something. It's fear. I don't want to lose this friend. I don't want to have an unproductive conflict or confrontation with this person. How to have healthy conflict. Like, many of us were never taught that.

Roula (03:40)
Are you afraid to lose this friend because it's so hard to make friends at our age when we're older? Your age and my age?

Rosie (03:44)
god, I really struggle with that.

Yeah, I struggle with making friends. Definitely. Yeah, maybe. But you know what, if I look back, I have lost many, friendships.

that started off close and I considered them a great friend and they have ended in a spectacularly just not nice fashion. And I look back and go, ⁓ there's a pattern there, Rosie. That's interesting.

Roula (04:15)
on your side?

Rosie (04:17)
Well it must be. I'm the one constant here.

Roula (04:21)
I do also have lot of friendships that ended up maybe not spectacularly bad, but they died off. I had friendships in certain times of my life, and then when I evolved or changed, these friendships did not fit anymore in my life. They were seasonal friendships.

Rosie (04:30)
Yeah.

yeah. And I think that's something we need to come to terms with. That's quite normal and healthy and it's good for us. You don't have to be friends for life.

Roula (04:55)
No, and this is something that we mistaken. We think friends should be for life. And I came to the conclusion, to the acceptance, to the understanding that friends are not only not necessarily for life, friends are not for all the time.

Rosie (05:16)
Mmm. Mmm.

Roula (05:18)
Different

kind of friends are for different kinds of times.

Rosie (05:20)
different

kinds of friends. Yeah. Do you have any friends that you've known for most of your life?

Roula (05:29)
Let me think. Well, when I left Lebanon, all my friendships died off. And they died off. kept contact. At that time, there were no WhatsApp and internet, et cetera. There were emails. Yes, yes, emails and letters. I kept asking about them, how they're doing. And somehow, the friends I had in Lebanon, they thought that

Rosie (05:32)
Mm.

Wow, yeah.

Roula (05:58)
The fact that I left, I'm living a better life than they are. And they did, some friends were kind of jealous. And this also something maybe important to talk about jealousy. I did not think that friends can be jealous of me because I never thought I have anything for anyone to be jealous of me. And also friends that I kept in contact, but they never

Rosie (06:11)
Mmm.

Roula (06:27)
returned the letter or they never asked how I'm doing. And this is where I decided, you know, it has to be a two-way street, but I'm not stuck in this two-way street thing.

Rosie (06:31)
Yeah.

Yes!

Yeah, it's a difficult balance. You know, we're told we should do things from the goodness of our heart and expect nothing in return. But you know what, with relationships, we need to expect things in return. Not in a tit for tat way, that's not productive. But for a relationship to work, there's two people. If it's just one person putting in all the time, energy, effort, what's the point?

Roula (07:05)
It's like, look, in a couple relationships, we feel left out and down and checking out from the relationship and unhappy because our needs are not being met. And these needs can differ mostly, they're mostly in communication. Why is this different from the friendships we have? We also have needs in our friendships, but it's so harder to talk about them with a friend.

than to talk about them with a partner. It's like the partner, take it for granted, we argue, et cetera. But with a friend, we don't. We want to keep the peace. We don't want to be the needy friend. And our needs are not met. This make us think, is this the right friend for us? But most of the time, we enjoy the time spent with this person. When we are with this friend, the talks are deep, the fun is big, the mutual trust and confidence.

Rosie (07:39)
Mmm.

Roula (08:03)
But then we leave and the connection disappears.

Rosie (08:08)
Hmm. Hmm.

Roula (08:13)
And there's someone in this relationship of friendship feeling left out or both feeling left out, each one with their perspective.

Rosie (08:23)
Yeah. So what's the answer?

Roula (08:26)
You said that why don't we talk about it? think with my friends, for example, ⁓ there are friends that I know them so well and I know that for them to take initiative is something very hard because they did not work on their own growth.

Rosie (08:45)
Mmm.

Roula (08:47)
And I don't expect that from them, but their presence in my life is so beautiful that I don't mind being the person initiating.

Rosie (08:55)
It's interesting. So our expectations are different depending on the friendship, aren't they? You can't expect the same thing from every friend. And it's about, I think, you looking inside and going, okay, does this friendship mean enough to me? Do I want them in my life enough that it's okay if they're not the one to initiate the conversation? Like you need to have that conversation with yourself. But if there's this resentment,

Roula (09:01)
Yeah.

Rosie (09:24)
That's not healthy.

Roula (09:26)
Yes, probably this is why friendships end because if one have resentment of hurt or doesn't feel the friendship is too a street, it's easier to check out from the friendship than to have the conversation.

Rosie (09:37)
Hmm.

And it will often reach a breaking point, won't it? All of a sudden it's just over. Like, fuck, you know, the silliest thing will happen, there'll be a big argument and that's it, like done. Nah, pen enough.

Roula (09:46)
Yeah. Yes.

Yes.

Rosie (09:54)
Huh.

Roula (09:56)
And you know, it's okay to have friends to go with to festivals and friends to go on vacation with, other friends to have deep comfort talks with. Sometimes we expect from that one or two or three friends that they do everything with us. But we can't possibly share or evolve in life. So we can't possibly share the same interest through the years with the same people.

Rosie (10:14)
Yeah.

I do struggle with that.

I struggle with that because I'm someone who really prioritizes those deep friendships. I want the deep challenging conversations and all the personal growth together. But like you say, not every friendship's gonna be like that.

Roula (10:41)
No. They also have their life that has nothing to do with our friendship. And they're growing in their own life. they, you know, we change the circles of people around us change and we explore, we grow by meeting new people. And if we want to possess a friendship, we are not growing because we should also be open for other people and other experiences.

Rosie (10:42)
Yeah, let's be real.

Hmm

Okay, here's my question.

Let's say there's someone listening. They've got a friend they're really resenting right now. This friend is piecing them off. It just feels very one-sided. putting in all the effort.

Roula (11:18)
Mm.

Rosie (11:26)
So in my mind, there's two options. You make a conscious decision to distance yourself from this person. This friendship isn't serving me anymore, that's it. Second option is to talk to them about it.

How do we know whether to invest the time to try and sort this out or whether to walk away?

Roula (11:54)
a friendship that I decided to walk away without explanation, without anything. I'm not saying this is the right thing to do it. ⁓ I felt I have nothing to say to that person. I don't even want to have the conflict. don't even want to have the explanation. I simply felt this friendship

Rosie (11:59)
Mm.

Roula (12:19)
It's not helping me. It's not serving me. I started not liking the person.

Rosie (12:29)
Wow, yeah.

Roula (12:32)
And I felt, what am I going to say to this person? I don't like you anymore. Or what am I, you did this thing and annoyed me and I feel that we're not on the same page. So I decided to stop contacting this person, avoid contact. And I'm sure that person needs closure because they don't understand why I'm not their friend anymore. But I still, still.

It's been maybe more than a year that I have no desire to explain myself to that person.

Rosie (13:10)
Right.

And I think that's such an important point. I don't know if this is just a me thing, but it seems like people expect you, you have to put in the work and try to make the friendship work or the relationship work. Sometimes, no, it's not worth my effort. I'm just going to walk away. I don't owe them an explanation. I don't have to talk to them about it. I don't have to try figure it out. I can just walk away.

That is okay and I want to give all our listeners permission to do that.

Roula (13:44)
Rozy, I don't know if it's true or false. I feel when there is a conflict in friendship, it never goes back to what it was. I'm not saying that friendship should not have conflicts. But they're not like a romantic relationship where you work on something together for the future. And then you work harder, you go to therapy, you do whatever it takes to to build and grow together. There is no growth together in friendships.

Rosie (13:53)
Ooh, I agree.

Roula (14:13)
There is no investment. And I'm not saying you're right. We just say, yeah, I'm not talking in general. I find it really hard for friendship when they break, when they have like a crack that they get back on track again. I have not experienced that.

Rosie (14:25)
Yeah.

Yeah, wow. I'm trying to think if I have, if I've confronted a friend and then we've got to use your words back on track. I don't know. You're right. It's very different to a romantic relationship.

my god, what have you done to me? My mind's just going, ⁓ shit. But I don't think that's to say that you can't have that conflict and then keep the friendship and things improve. You can totally do that. I think.

Roula (15:14)
not experienced it, hope that someone... I'm sure it happens. I'm sure it's real. ⁓ I just need someone to tell me that what I'm saying is not true and not someone. I want more than people to prove to me that conflicts in friendships are repairable and the friendship will not lose its flavor. It will stay the same.

Rosie (15:20)
must.

⁓

yeah, I think we've both got struggles here with friendship, I'm realising, through this conversation. Mmm, let us know. Have you had friendships where you've worked through the conflict? You've kept the flavour. Tell me what's your flavour?

Roula (16:00)
Tell me what's your flavor, ooh!

Rosie (16:02)
you

Roula (16:04)
Isn't it Greg David? I don't know who's that. Greg, Greg David. Yeah, yeah. All right. All right. We stretch this episode, but friendship is such a hot topic for every one of us every day. Let us know what you think, dear listeners. Thank you for listening.

Rosie (16:07)
Yeah, I think it is. I like some Craig David. Yeah.

I don't think we gave

any actionable advice, but it's something to think about. Let us know. Give us your advice, please. Yeah, you're not alone.

Roula (16:26)
No, but they know they're not alone. We all

struggle in friendships.

Rosie (16:32)
we do. Alright, bye.

Roula (16:34)
Bye!