The Rosie and Roula Show

97 - Let's talk about sex (No, Really) and the cultural baggage men and women carry around pleasure

• Roula Abou Haidar and Rosie Burrows

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Sex is everywhere except in our conversations. 

In this episode, Roula and Rosie get real about one of the most avoided yet essential topics: sex and relationships. From the silent expectations we carry to the myths we've been taught; they dive into how our lack of honest conversations about sex impacts everything from personal satisfaction to long-term intimacy. 

💬 In this episode:  

  • Why couples avoid talking about sex—and how that messes things up 
  • The cultural conditioning women face around pleasure 
  • How emotional intelligence plays a crucial role in the bedroom 
  • The real damage caused by faking orgasms 
  • The importance of exploring your desires—on your own 
  • Why midlife might be your sexual prime (yes, really) 

Whether you're newly dating, long-time partnered, or figuring it out solo, this episode is for anyone ready to rethink what good sex really means. 

It’s open, honest, a little spicy, and full of lightbulb moments (plus a few unexpected song lyrics). Tune in and let’s talk about it for real. 

 

Takeaways 

  • Couples often avoid discussing sex and money early in relationships. 
  • Not talking about sex can lead to long-term relationship issues. 
  • Many people are not raised to have open conversations about sex. 
  • Understanding personal preferences is crucial for sexual satisfaction. 
  • Women are often conditioned to prioritize pleasing their partners over their own desires. 
  • Men may feel pressured to know how to please women without asking. 
  • Faking orgasms is common, and many women do not know how to orgasm. 
  • Education and exploration are key to understanding one's sexual preferences. 
  • It's important to have honest conversations with oneself about sexual likes and dislikes. 
  • Midlife can be a time for rediscovery and enjoyment of sexuality. 

 

Keywords 

 Sex, relationships, communication, preferences, education, intimacy, emotional intelligence, sexual health, self-exploration, upbringing 

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Roula (00:01)
Rosie Rosie with your beautiful t-shirt with our logo. Okay, today I'm taking over the mic because I have three episodes on my mind.

Rosie (00:03)
Hi!

how unusual. Okay,

all right, yep.

Roula (00:15)
When you say how unusual, you make it so real. ⁓ And one of these episodes that I have on my mind, which people know about them because we will publish them one after the other, is a topic very close to your heart. The other two are topics very close to my heart.

Rosie (00:32)
so it's more about you than me today. Or this week, whatever, yeah.

Roula (00:37)
Well, when we finish,

it's going to be about you too.

Rosie (00:41)
Okay. All right. Hit me.

Roula (00:42)
OK, OK,

Rosie (00:43)
the first one? Let's go. Let's go.

Roula (00:56)
going to start with the first one, in our episode number 79, who should be on the first date, I think.

Rosie (01:03)
Hmm.

Roula (01:05)
one of these about date dating, we mentioned that couples, new couples don't talk about money and also don't talk about sex.

Rosie (01:16)
right?

Roula (01:18)
And I want to talk about this. How not talking about sex on the long term is fucking up a relationship.

Rosie (01:25)
Let's talk about sex, baby Let's talk about you and me Well maybe not you and me, but...

Roula (01:31)
Let's talk about all the good

things and the bad things that may be. I think we sing the song every time we have an episode with topics.

Rosie (01:35)
Hmm

We really

do. We're not very original, are we? I don't care. All right, so what's the question?

Roula (01:46)
I

wanna sex you up! Do you know this one?

Rosie (01:51)
I don't. Sex bomb sex bomb.

Roula (01:56)
Your sex Okay, okay. We're now getting very... All right, let's go back to the episode.

Rosie (02:02)
sexual healing.

Roula (02:03)
before our

listeners will check out if we don't get into the topic.

Rosie (02:10)
Yeah,

okay, hurry up. I'm waiting.

Roula (02:14)
Rosie, have you had a conversation at the early stage with a partner, with a girlfriend, about sex?

Rosie (02:27)
Not really? Not like a sit down and let's talk about it conversation. No. Should I?

feel like it's a-

Roula (02:37)
I don't know. Should you?

I know that it's a must.

Rosie (02:43)
Yeah. Yeah. No, I haven't...

Roula (02:45)
Why haven't

you talked about it in the beginning and then tell me when did you start talking about it?

Rosie (02:55)
I don't think we're raised to know how to talk about it. At least, at least for most people. I know I wasn't. Were you raised? Was it modeled to you how to talk about sex? No. Jokes, yes. And it's something men talk about because they're just horny all the time. You know, that's what they do.

Roula (03:11)
No, on jokes, but not in serious conversations.

Rosie (03:22)
They talk to each other about it and make stupid jokes. Talking about sex in a more serious or meaningful way was always sort of taboo. That's the impression I got. It wasn't something you talk about. You don't talk about sex.

Roula (03:38)
Yes, I think in the beginning of the relationship, everything's acceptable. It's exciting. It's beautiful. The touch, whatever, even if one of the engaged persons is not doing something the other one like, at that stage, they accept it. It's still exciting.

Rosie (03:44)
True, yeah.

Talk about it. true. This

is true. This is true. It becomes a problem. A big problem.

Roula (04:01)
And then forward on the relationship, this becomes a problem. What

I also think is that we don't take the time to think what do we like? How do we like to be touched? What's our preference? And say it because we are raised to please others and not please ourselves.

Rosie (04:14)
AHHHH

Especially as women.

Yes. my god, yes. Yes!

Roula (04:28)
especially for women and men are raised that they whatever they do this is what the woman wants but they don't know what the woman wants so when they don't actually know no they think they do

Rosie (04:37)
They don't actually know, have they ever asked? And then if they do ask, does the woman actually

know what they want? Probably not.

Roula (04:47)
Probably not. Yes. But if a woman would say what they want or what they don't want, mostly, the man get offended. And I'm saying men in hetero relationship, you can help me correct me. But I'm talking about really these two genders differences is that the men are raised that they should know what to do.

Rosie (04:53)
Mmm.

Right, right, the partner, right.

Mmm.

Roula (05:14)
and what they do is the right thing. And this is how they please their partner. They are not raised to listen.

Rosie (05:18)
And they're less of a man if they

don't know. Ooh, like me, I'm not listening. I keep talking over you. This topic is a good one. ⁓ You talk too much. Yeah, and I think for men, you know, you're masculine. You should know what you're doing. You should know how to please a woman.

Roula (05:25)
Yeah, I'm giving here an important message and you're screwing it up.

Rosie (05:43)
And if you don't, ugh, you're less of a man, you don't know what you're doing. But really?

Roula (05:52)
True.

Rosie (05:53)
You gotta learn these things and it's gonna be different for every person. What I like's not gonna be the same as what you like. What someone else likes, what your partner's ex liked, is not gonna be the same as what you like.

Roula (06:04)
And maybe what she liked was a lie.

Rosie (06:07)
⁓ Yeah, how many women fake orgasms do you think? I wonder what the percentage is.

Roula (06:08)
How would you know it wasn't a lie?

I faked orgasm

probably for the first... Until I got married, I faked my orgasm.

Rosie (06:21)
No.

Roula (06:24)
But also, I didn't know how to orgasm.

Rosie (06:30)
⁓

Roula (06:32)
And my partners didn't know how to, they thought whatever sound I'm making.

Rosie (06:39)
They thought you were having an orgasm because you're breaking

it, but you didn't really know. my God. What a mess. What a mess. And do you think you have to orgasm each time you have sex?

Roula (06:53)
It's a preference. It's a preference. think, and now this is becoming very explicit, but it's also educational. I think when women don't orgasm, they can have longer sex and enjoy it longer. Because when we orgasm, that's it. We don't feel we want to continue. Yes. So keeping it for the right moment is pretty cool.

Rosie (06:54)
Mmm.

Mm.

Right.

You might not want to keep going, yeah.

Pretty cool, that's a nice way putting it. Yeah. So I Googled how many women fake orgasms. Wide range of figures, up to 85 % though. That's so high.

Roula (07:32)
Yes. Many women

don't know how to orgasm.

Rosie (07:38)
So how did you learn? How do you learn then?

Roula (07:42)
I'm going to tell you this on our third episode of today that we record because it relates to to something that people want to cringe and avoid. But actually, it's helpful. And I won't say it. It's going to be in our not maybe the episode after this one. It's going to be that. Yeah, yeah. So the bottom line and what we're talking now is that. If there is.

Rosie (08:01)
Couple of, is that the next episode or the one after? Right, fine.

Roula (08:12)
It's an emotional, intelligent thing to do to talk about sex.

Rosie (08:15)
⁓

You know what, you just blew my mind a little bit and that was not an innuendo. Let's just put that out there. my God, I shouldn't have said it. ⁓ Because sex is often seen as this animalistic drive urge, but then you've just compared it to emotional intelligence and it's like, yeah, actually, yes.

Roula (08:43)
Because you know, Rosie, if a partner, no matter what the gender of this partner is, doesn't want to listen to me or to you or to their partner on how they like to have sex, what they prefer and what they want, yes, and that partner is showing also a side of not wanting to listen and work for the better. So if this is happening in a sex talk, how about other things in life?

Rosie (08:55)
then let's all just go masturbate.

you

true

Roula (09:13)
advice for women is to explore what they like without a partner.

Rosie (09:20)
That's a scary thought for a lot of people. Wait... Books? Are you serious? Books. Books. What else for people who don't like reading?

Roula (09:24)
There are books they can read about fantasy. Yes. So how do you educate yourself?

How do you know what you want? If you don't want to educate yourself on it and help yourself. How?

Rosie (09:36)
True. Well, true. It doesn't really

work, does it? I guess you explore, but again, if you don't educate yourself, you might not know all the things you could be trying. I don't know. You touch yourself. Now, I don't know. You're right. You're right. Reading things, watching things, talking to people. Yeah. That's how we learn. Yes, and touching yourself. I mean, some people might not like that.

Roula (09:44)
How do you explore?

But even if you touch yourself, you should touch yourself.

Don't touch it yourself.

Rosie (10:05)
just saying, Roula but it is an exploration and you're

Roula (10:08)
Yes, if people don't

like to touch their self. Sorry, now I'm interrupting you all the time. Go ahead.

Rosie (10:15)
I forgot my thoughts, so you go.

Roula (10:17)
You were

saying that some people don't like to touch themselves.

Rosie (10:20)
yeah, and I think that's an important conversation too. It's just, so I wanted to throw that out there. And there's more than just touching yourself to please yourself, I think. But the key is educate yourself.

Roula (10:37)
Educate yourself. Yes.

Rosie (10:38)
and pay attention to what you

like and what you don't. No pressure.

Roula (10:42)
There is nothing

forbidden in your thoughts. Nothing is forbidden. Because you have to and when I say nothing's forbidden, people would take it. Yeah. So then you go and walk naked and do. No, this is not what I fucking mean. I mean, nothing is forbidden in imagining your own pleasure.

Rosie (11:03)
Right. Yeah.

Roula (11:07)
And that's the problem with women, we are raised.

Bless you. You're sneezing three times, four times as women. But I saw you.

Rosie (11:14)
Yeah, I muted the microphones. Anyway, yes,

you did. This is true. Keep going.

Roula (11:23)
Women are raised not to seek their own pleasure. They're raised that it should come natural, touching yourself is a shame, wanting something different than what your partner is offering is a shame. You're outrageous if you talk about sex, if you say what you want. So we're raised in a way that is oppressing our desires and needs.

Rosie (11:39)
Mmm.

And you know what I just

thought of? This is, I'm speaking to my upbringing, so you have to correct me if you disagree. But the whole sex talk that you get from your parents or school or whatever, most of it is about contraception. You don't want to get pregnant. You need to know about this, this, this, and this, and STDs and this and this this. There is nothing about the good side of sex.

Roula (11:51)
Tell me.

True. The problem with this is that all teenagers have been having sex and enjoying it and going crazy and no one is thinking about the lesson they got at school.

Rosie (12:25)
⁓ But what?

Roula (12:26)
Yes, they know

about control. And what I mean in this, Rosie, is that instead of educating them and having healthy sexual talks, as you said, they're letting them to their instinct without a good background of solid background to protect them. Because we're all scared of having our teenagers getting pregnant or have sexual disease. This is the worry.

Rosie (12:43)
Mmm. Mmm.

Yeah, we're teaching them to be afraid of sex and then they dismiss it because it's all their parents in the school talks about. But then do they know how to enjoy themselves and have the best sex they can with their partner or partners? Probably not. I'm sure they think they're a great time. But do they know how to communicate and talk about it? I doubt it.

Roula (12:54)
There is no worry about their happiness.

But at a very young age also, very young age, even though we think they're having fun, this dynamic is there. The girl wants to please the boy and the boy thinks he knows how to please the girl. And this starts at a very young age from the first times that we are in a sexual ⁓ relationship.

Rosie (13:29)
Yeah.

Roula (13:38)
I don't know exactly how to talk to my son about it, but I found a great book. I have it on my phone. I don't remember the name. I've been researching what can I read to help my son? I've already read for him a couple of books for his age when he was younger. And now that he's 10, I want to educate him really, really on having this intelligent conversation. And I don't know how to do it. So I'm going to get some help to learn how to do it.

Rosie (13:50)
Mmm.

Yeah.

I

love that and you have to share with us, okay? I'm not a parent, but I wanna know. And I think other parents want to know. Cause we don't know how to talk to our kids about sex. If you're basing it on what your parent, how your parents spoke to you about it, it's gonna be a disaster.

Roula (14:23)
True.

My parents never talked to me about sex. I grew up in the Middle East. They talk about marriage.

Rosie (14:26)
Wow.

Mm.

Yeah.

Roula (14:33)
But it's not to... No one talks about sex. No one.

Rosie (14:38)
Mmm.

Roula (14:39)
All right, so this was quite an interesting conversation.

Rosie (14:45)
I don't feel like we really answered

the question, but it is an interesting conversation. I want to give our listeners something to go away with because this is a topic you talk about a lot on your podcast. It's a topic you care a lot about and that you have been, I guess, putting a lot of time and energy into like in your personal life, the communication side. So what is one thing our listeners can do? Because a lot of them are going to be going, I won't talk to my partner about that.

That's awkward. Where do I start? Where do they start? What do they do?

Roula (15:20)
Yes, they have to start with themselves. Have an honest, inner conversation. What they don't like about their sex life. What they like to get rid of. The bad habits they learned in their sex life. And get over the shame that to know what they want, they have to explore alone.

not with their partner. And I'm not saying alone go cheat, have sexual partners, et cetera. No, I'm saying alone by reading good books for women and also maybe for men, but it's hard to advise men on this topic. We have to guide them into this. ⁓ And there are incredibly good podcasts about getting to know ourselves in sex.

Rosie (15:53)
Mm.

Hmm.

Roula (16:16)
There is a podcast called Sex with Emily. It's outrageous, but very much educational, especially for women. And lot of men ask questions and all the questions are so good, so good. I will leave it in the show notes. There are other podcasts that are really educational and good. And I think that women should, well, listening to a book or reading an erotic book from now time to time. ⁓

Rosie (16:22)
Okay.

Mm.

Roula (16:45)
And then when they read the book, they will know if the writer is putting in the desire of the woman or is following the norm that man knows what women want and the woman is enjoying it. And by reading it intelligently, they will start finding out, shit, no, I don't want this for me. I want something else. So it's an exploration.

And know a lot of women, especially women from my age, they don't want to put time in it. But I want to say to the midlife women, now is the time to enjoy and have fun. You're not scared of getting pregnant. You don't have babies to look after. ⁓ You have the energy because your kids are older and you take back time for yourself. Now it's time to enjoy. You're never too old to enjoy. On the contrary, I think these are the new teenage years. So go.

Rosie (17:30)
Mmm.

Roula (17:40)
and enjoy.

Rosie (17:42)
that. Go and enjoy listeners and let us know do you talk about sex with your partner? Do you know what you like? Have you told them what you like?

Roula (17:54)
they can reach out. I would love to answer any questions they have. I'm not a sex therapist but I worked so much on having a good balance in my life on this topic.

Rosie (17:58)
Roula's SEX HOTLINE

Mm.

All right.

I don't know how to wrap this up. Yes. Thank you for listening. Bye.

Roula (18:12)
Thank you for listening.

Bye!