The Rosie and Roula Show

90: The Secret Relief of a Cancelled Plan, You didn't feel like going anyway!

• Roula Abou Haidar and Rosie Burrows

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The Secret Relief of a Cancelled Plan 

You know the feeling — that tiny buzz of joy when someone cancels a catch-up you didn’t really want to go to anyway. This week, Rosie and Roula open up a conversation we all relate to, but rarely admit out loud: the sweet, secret relief of a canceled plan. 

They explore the emotional tightrope between honesty and obligation, how culture shapes our etiquette around cancelling, and why it can feel so hard to just say, “I don’t have the capacity today.” 

Expect laughter, a little guilt, and a lot of truth. 

This episode explores: 

  • Why we often hope someone cancels first 
  • The etiquette of cancelling — and what makes it rude 
  • The cultural expectations around commitment and flexibility 
  • Why it’s okay to say no — without apologizing 

If you’ve ever faked a reason, felt secretly grateful for a cancellation, or wondered how to cancel without guilt — this episode is for you. 

 

Takeaways

  • The relief felt when someone cancels an appointment is a common sentiment.
  • Rosie acknowledges the struggle of balancing commitments with personal well-being.
  • Cultural differences play a significant role in how cancellations are perceived and handled.
  • Self-care is increasingly recognized as a valid reason for canceling plans.
  • Honesty in communication about cancellations can strengthen relationships.
  • It's important to reschedule promptly when canceling to show respect for the other person's time.
  • We agree that it's okay to feel relieved when plans are canceled.

The conversation is to encourage you to be open about your feelings regarding cancellations.


Keywords

cancellation, self-care, cultural differences, social interactions, honesty, mental health, communication, relationships, personal boundaries, social anxiety





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Roula (00:00)
Rosie, I saw your Instagram post where you were dancing alone. Do you know what hilarious is? On the same day, my husband, my son and I, we were alone at this beach in Normandy, Gold Beach. We were alone and I walked away from them and I was dancing all the way to the cliff all by myself.

Rosie (00:01)
Mmm.

Yeah? What?

that

Roula (00:29)
And then I saw your video afterwards.

Rosie (00:30)
and then there I was

Roula (00:31)
⁓ What? Like we both had this desire to dance alone. How cool is that?

Rosie (00:34)
We're in sync.

Love it.

Very cool. How was your holiday?

Roula (00:47)
It was good. drove, well, it was very good, insanely good. And now I didn't shower because we drove 11 hours. We went home at midnight. I decorated the house because my son's birthday is this morning. And it's a tradition when they wake up, the house is decorated. And I couldn't fall asleep. Then my son woke me up at seven.

Rosie (00:58)
my god

my god.

Roula (01:17)
I decided not to shower. I have a very bad hair day. So this is why the look.

Rosie (01:21)
That's why you got your cap on.

You got your Jordan cap on.

Roula (01:26)
Yes! No lipstick. Not anymore.

Rosie (01:32)
don't

think so, Right.

Roula (01:34)
If you hear something

in the background, my cat is forcing the window to enter, but I'm not opening the window. He needs to find another entry. Here we go, here we go. What do we have today?

Rosie (01:40)
He can piss off.

Yeah, what are we gonna talk about?

Roula (01:53)
I have a topic, I wrote a few of them.

Rosie (01:55)
Hmm...

Yeah.

Roula (01:59)
We start.

Rosie (02:04)
You throw a question at me.

Roula (02:19)
Okay, Rosie, today I have a question and I think it's on the mind of everyone else.

Rosie (02:28)
Okay.

Roula (02:29)
And we try to, how do you say, beat around the bush to make it sound different. My question is, is there a relief?

Rosie (02:34)
Yeah, yep.

Mm-hmm.

Roula (02:44)
when someone cancels an appointment.

Rosie (02:48)
like to catch up with you. yeah. And you don't really want to do it. Yeah. And you're like, yes.

Roula (02:50)
Yeah, like you have an appointment, you have going out and that person cancels. Yeah! ⁓

Rosie (03:00)
Why did you just not cancel it yourself?

Roula (03:04)
That's a good one. We're going to get into this one. First, let me go take you back because you got so excited. It's like it's already canceled. So should I have canceled this recording? Would you be happy?

Rosie (03:05)
and say, actually, don't want to.

Well, you know what? I was in the middle of doing band stuff and I went, for fuck's sake, now I have to stop and have a shower and get ready for recording. And I was, I was very cranky. And then I went, yeah, but you know what? I like spending time with Roula and I'm getting frustrated with the band. So it worked out. So no, maybe secretly I was like, damn it, can't we cancel? But actually, no, I'm very glad I'm here.

Roula (03:48)
It did flirt with my mind the idea of canceling because I feel so tired. And then I thought, no, really? Working on the van.

Rosie (03:51)
We first saw it! I was up until 5am this morning. Yeah? Yeah.

⁓ no, but researching things, cause I needed some new tools and bits and I was trying to find where it's in stock and here in Australia today is a public holiday. So some places are closed, some open late and I just got so into it. And before I knew it was five in the morning. So I got a couple of hours sleep, woke up, went to the shops, came back. I'm like, I'm too tired, slept for two hours and started working on the van. Anyway, we both flirted with the idea of, can't we just cancel?

Roula (04:31)
And we

did not cancel. I have to admit, many times I'm very happy when someone cancels.

And there are sometimes I don't want to cancel. don't want them to cancel because the company is so good. And even though I'm too tired or I don't feel like going because being at home is so comfortable, I end up being very happy that I went.

Rosie (04:58)
⁓

I hope I'm one of those people. Yeah.

Roula (05:07)
You are one of those people. This podcast

is one of those people.

Rosie (05:12)
I feel the same, yeah.

Roula (05:13)
What do you think goes in the mind of the person cancelling?

they nervous? Do they feel guilty?

Rosie (05:23)
I think they would be.

Yeah, I think a lot of the time they are nervous and scared. I think it's pretty rare to find a person who feels comfortable to cancel and just say, yeah, no big deal. For me, I know I will often worry about how the other person will react and how they're going to feel that I'm canceling, especially if it's last minute.

Roula (05:49)
Wow, what would make you cancel last minute?

Rosie (05:56)
If I feel really shit, like my mood's bad or I just really don't want to, like I'm just in a foul mood or fed up of people, I have cancer. I have in the past, but you know what? Maybe in the past one to two years, I'm better at saying, you know what? I just don't feel like it. I don't have capacity. I won't be able to make it today. And I'm practicing not saying sorry.

Roula (06:07)
Would you invent a reason or would you be honest?

Rosie (06:26)
I'm not sorry, I'm quite happy I'm cancelling. I won't say that, but I'm not gonna, I'm so sorry. I might say sorry that it's last minute notice, cause I know that can be annoying.

Roula (06:37)
Are you someone who constantly cancel? Like you're known?

Rosie (06:41)
No. No.

No. See, that would annoy me. If I was on the receiving end of somebody who's constantly canceling, that would piss me off and I would just stop organizing things with that person.

Roula (06:54)
True, true. Do we cancel now much more often than before? Is there a shift in our behavior than in the past?

Rosie (07:06)
I think so, because it's more encouraged now to look after yourself, this whole thing of self-care. Whereas maybe your generation, when you were growing up, you very much put other people's needs first. Have I got that right? Like you need to be respectful and you can't just cancel something that you've committed to.

Roula (07:30)
It's very odd culturally. The culture I grew up in...

Rosie (07:35)
Hmm?

Roula (07:37)
There is no respect for time, other people time. And there is no, no consideration about canceling or not. And it's not because people are looking after their wellbeing and when they don't feel like it, they cancel. No, people tell you they're coming at one and they show up at four and they gast light you. If you, if you say, if you're coming at four, I'm not going to be able to receive you.

Rosie (07:40)
train.

Yeah.

for fuck's sake.

Roula (08:06)
They expect a very good reason from you why you're not able to. I mean, you're home. We didn't come at one. We're at four. And the other thing of canceling is that the I thing it's a Middle Eastern culture. I'm not sure if it's only Lebanese is that what's the big deal? Why are you making a big deal about this cancellation? We will meet again. We will make a new appointment. Don't make a fuss about it. And I

Rosie (08:11)
What?

Yeah.

Roula (08:36)
hated this. It killed me really. And I didn't realize that I behave a little bit like this in my mind until my husband started getting both my ex and my husband brought it to my attention. I don't cancel but on my mind and when I shared with them kind of in the beginning in the first years when I left Lebanon and I was here

Rosie (08:38)
you

Hmm?

Roula (09:06)
My ex was very intolerant of canceling an appointment on our dead bodies. And that was too much for me. And my husband, I'm not going to go into the details because the episode would be very long. My husband now is my new husband. Well, we've been together longer than my ex, actually. The thing is.

Rosie (09:10)
Yeah.

Wow. ⁓

Roula (09:34)
He holds me accountable. You know you have this appointment. Why didn't you get yourself organized? So either you attend or you cancel on time. I don't cancel. I'm not the kind of person I cancel. I learn to be there on time. And as you said, Rosie, I'm also unapologetic when I don't feel like it. Like my body is not wanting it.

Rosie (09:43)
Yes.

Mmm.

Roula (10:01)
my psyche is tired and I can't have a conversation with someone because I had so much going on in my head. And this, I'm honest about them. I would pick up the phone, call you, I wouldn't do it on a text.

Rosie (10:09)
Mm-mm.

But what if I don't answer the call? We were chatting about this last week. I just go, don't want to talk to you.

Roula (10:22)
Yes, if you don't answer

the call then I will come.

Rosie (10:27)
No, okay, wow, as opposed to texting.

Roula (10:28)
Of course.

Yes.

Rosie (10:32)
You're so brave. I would text. I haven't got that level of courage yet to have the phone call. Don't want to come. Sorry, bye.

Roula (10:44)
Oof, no, I wouldn't do this. I might even, when I get there, say my capacity is only for half an hour.

Rosie (10:53)
Okay, yeah.

Roula (10:55)
Yeah.

Rosie (10:57)
Mmm. I feel like you've got this down. Yeah.

Roula (10:58)
On the other side,

I'm sorry, what did you say?

Rosie (11:03)
feel like you've got this down pat. You're a master at canceling. Not in a bad way.

Roula (11:08)
I don't cancel.

I don't make appointments anymore in a way that I will need to cancel because I'm overwhelmed with my appointments. I have too much to do. I'm trying to please every friend and no, I changed it.

Rosie (11:21)
Okay, well, what about this? What

about this? Cause I know you're lying. We have canceled. Yeah, cause you've canceled on me for recordings before. So you do cancel. Right, you just said you didn't.

Roula (11:26)
You know I'm lying.

I do cancel.

I only cancelled with you recordings and I immediately suggested a new day and I showed up. And that's different.

When you cancel and you leave the other person hanging without a new date, that's rude.

Rosie (11:50)
Ahhhh

Interesting.

Roula (11:55)
It's okay to cancel. That's not... We must feel comfortable to cancel when we cannot attend or we don't have the capacity. The key is to reschedule immediately. By the time you want to cancel, you must have your agenda and the time where you want to meet again. And if you don't want to meet again, you have to be honest to say, I don't have the capacity in the coming month.

Rosie (12:18)
What?

Roula (12:25)
I love you, I want to see you, I just can't at the moment. Yes.

Rosie (12:29)
Just not right now. Yeah.

Okay. That's probably more the approach I would take. I don't think I've ever canceled and go, Hey, what about this date instead? Maybe, maybe I have, I don't know.

Roula (12:38)
Yeah, I would...

I mean, we're not perfect. We definitely cancelled without giving new dates. It's a learning curve, right?

Rosie (12:47)
Yeah. ⁓

So is it acceptable? Like what's the etiquette around cancelling? You're saying it has to be over the phone and you need to reschedule or be honest and say, just, I don't have capacity. Is that the etiquette? Yeah.

Roula (13:02)
Yeah,

avoid last minute.

Rosie (13:06)
Yeah, that never feels good, does it?

Roula (13:08)
Never. The other person also got engagements and yeah, we leave them like high and dry. We're not coming. They might be happy though.

Rosie (13:18)
Yeah, it's not a nice feeling.

Well, this is true. Stop making appointments that you do not want to do. I mean, I guess there's some you kind of need to. Boring ones like bank tax, there's that.

Roula (13:32)
You want to?

Yes. What it's nice to change is that when we cancel, if I cancel an appointment with you and you're relieved that I canceled, tell me. And that's, that's the very thin line in this whole story. If you're happy that I canceled, you won't say it. I won't say it.

Rosie (13:49)
Ooh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is true! Yes! Both people, you said it at the beginning of the episode, beat around the bush. Like, they don't quite want to address the elephant in the room, like, actually didn't really want to do it, and now I've cancelled. Feels amazing! Thank fuck one person cancelled, because nobody wanted to do it.

Roula (14:09)
Yes.

How awesome is this? Grouperses are happy, cancelling. Come on, it's cool.

Rosie (14:22)
Yeah

So listeners, don't beat around the bush. Cancel, be honest. And if you're on the receiving end, let the other person know if you're relieved and happy about it. Why not?

Roula (14:39)
Yes. Cancel, make a new appointment, be honest about it. Let us know how you feel when others cancel. Thank you, bye!

Rosie (14:48)
Hmm. Alright.